Midwife of the Soul
by kotoko minazuki
Summary: The end of Mai HiME finds Shizuru and Natsuki reborn after the Carnival, but with the issues between them far from fully resolved. This story offer's Natsuki's view of how they deal with these issues, and complements Shizuru's side in "Rebirth of Love: Musings of a Recovering Yandere".
1. Chapter 1: Beginnings

**Author's Note:**  
As I was writing **Rebirth of Love** , I enjoyed finding out what was going on in Shizuru's mind. After finishing, I started to wonder what Natsuki's side of the same story might sound like, so I began to write this. I found out that Natsuki had more to say than I originally expected, and I also found out a couple more things about Shizuru.

I hope those of you who have read **Rebirth of Love** find that Natsuki gives a different enough view on this tale to be interesting. If you haven't read **Rebirth of Love** , don't worry; this should stand on its own. Of course, as the author, I'm happy for you to read both.

So, here is Natsuki's account of what happened between her and Shizuru after the Carnival. My muse and I hope you enjoy it. And given the date I'm putting up the first chapter, Merry Christmas.

I want to extend a special thank you to **MahouLVH** , **Avadan232** and **net4read** for support, encouragement, reading and suggestions. Every writer should have good helpers like you.

.

 **Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 1**

 **Beginnings**

* * *

Shizuru has already told the story of how we came together after the Carnival. Yes, all right ...of how I finally got my head on straight and realized I truly love her. Her love for me has never wavered.

I'm happy to let her do a lot of the introspection and over-thinking in our relationship, but I still have my own mind—and she values that too. She's way better with words than I am, and I planned to let her words stand for most of our story, but I found that once I started, I had more to say than I expected and my story began to flow.

 _Thank you, Shizuru._

You may notice Shizuru was careful to never explicitly assume or declare what I thought or felt until after I confessed and we became a couple. I insist she has that right, especially now, but she wants _me_ to tell you my half of the story, as she insists I know some pieces best.

So I will tell you our story: because she asked ...and because it will make her happy.

.

Why the title? Well, we agree that "reborn" was a reasonable term to use for those of us who returned at the end of the HiME Carnival for the final battle with the Obsidian Lord. Shizuru says that rebirth was merely of her body. She says her soul was not reborn until we declared ourselves a loving couple. She insists that it was I who brought that about. I may have helped, but only _helped_ (I sincerely hope that I had, and it feels _really_ good to help her, especially with something this significant). Since Shizuru feels it important that I played that part in her rebirth, I will take the title of helper, of midwife, of... midwife of the soul.

ooo OOO ooo

The world changed with the defeat of the Obsidian Lord and the end of the HiME Carnival. At least nothing quite seemed the same afterwards. I certainly didn't know how I should deal with Shizuru. Not that I had a good idea before, but now it seemed even more complicated.

I wasn't seeing as much of her recently. She'd gotten her own apartment off campus, and seemed to be staying away. Did she not want my company? Did she only want me for "immoral purposes"? What did _I_ want?

For that matter, what did I feel about her? Love? I didn't think that's what I felt, at least not like Shizuru means the word. Friendship? She's definitely a friend, but different from Mai or Mikoto. Somehow I felt some odd kind of tie with Shizuru that I didn't feel with them.

Something felt off in my life, but maybe that was merely my adjusting to "normal life" after the Carnival, life without the overriding quest of avenging mother. I certainly didn't have much experience with it.

I would have to learn to adapt.

ooo OOO ooo

One Friday, Yamada came by with my Ducati, repaired and ready to ride. He thanked me again for being a good customer in the past. I asked what I owed him, but he said he'd worked this in as part of school repairs. I think he was lying, but didn't call him on it. I decided I didn't want to dredge up that piece of my past then. Anyway, I figured that Sakomizu owed me, and was probably behind this. He probably was trying to do it on the QT, so I decided to cooperate (for once) and say nothing about it.

The next day dawned wonderfully clear. I stared out the classroom window, wondering how many more nice days would be left this fall. The road and my "new" Ducati called out to me. My resolution to attend classes lost to that call. Old habits die hard, and I was feeling withdrawal ...badly.

I skipped out on the last couple classes of the day. The Ducati was as much fun as ever to ride, possibly more. I rode out of town and up into mountains. It felt wonderful: the wind plucking at my clothing, the joy of pitting my skill and the power of the bike against the twisty mountain roads, the feeling of freedom this gave me.

Of course this was too good to last.

A nasty thunderstorm blew in. I hadn't been paying attention to the darkening sky, so my first indication of the storm was the wind. Stupid me hadn't brought any rain gear. I turned back toward Fuuka, hoping to make it there before this turned to a downpour. I had to fight the wind the whole way back, and it started spitting rain before I made it there. Could I make it back before getting drenched? I just made it to town when it began to rain in earnest. Wet, slick roads and only a pullover and jeans between me and the pavement should I slip: not the best situation in my tired state.

Shizuru's new apartment was just up that street. Maybe she'd let me dry off. I headed there, parked, and climbed the stairs. I stood in front of what I thought was her door. I'd never been here before. Did I remember her address correctly? I'd only overheard one of the teachers mention it once when I happened to be in the faculty room. Why did it stick in my mind?

I let my tiredness and the rain now pounding down make my decision. I lifted my hand and knocked. That took more strength than I thought it would.

I was relieved that it was Shizuru who answered the door. That relief took the rest of my strength, so I just stood there until she led me inside.

I collapsed on her sofa.

I must have fallen asleep, as I woke up later, covered with a blanket. Shizuru was asleep at the other end of the sofa. She must have gotten the blanket and covered me before she also fell asleep.

It was completely dark outside, not to mention raining even more heavily now. I wonder if it was the rain, or possibly a thunderclap which woke me up. This was definitely _not_ good riding weather. I took Shizuru's inviting me in and getting me this blanket as an indication that she didn't mind my using her sofa. I was sure she'd tease me in the morning, but figured I could endure that. She deserved that little enjoyment of hers in exchange for letting me use her sofa and blanket.

I looked over at Shizuru. Her neck was bent in a position that had to be uncomfortable. I figured she'd have a painful cramp in the morning and would regret sleeping in this position. If she was going to loan me her couch, I could at least help her avoid that pain.

"Hey, Shizuru. You'll get a stiff neck sleeping like that," I called, trying to wake her. "You need to get up and go to bed."

All I could get out of her were sleepy mumbles. She wasn't helping (or waking up). I finally took her hands and pulled her up from the sofa.

"Come on. Let's get you to your bedroom."

I remembered passing it on the way to the sofa. Thankfully it was close, as Shizuru wasn't steady on her feet. I had to guide and support her. I was glad her bedroom wasn't up a flight of stairs like mine was in my old apartment. That would have been a real pain.

I just managed to throw back the covers before Shizuru collapsed onto her bed. I knew knew how she disliked cold, so I pulled both sheet and comforter back up over her, then headed back to her sofa to finish my night's sleep.

As I left her room and turned off the light, I heard a plaintive cry.

"Natsuki... don't leave me."

What!?

I turned back to find Shizuru curled up in a ball and trembling. Now and then what sounded like a whimper of terror escaped her lips.

I'd never seen Shizuru like this. She's always calm and controlled, never upset by anything. Even when she wasn't in her right mind, anger moved her, not fear.

Wait. I had seen her like this once before. Towards the end of the Carnival, when all the souls who'd been sacrificed during that time were called back. I had woken up in that same ruined church to find Shizuru in tears, her face wracked with guilt, fear, and a self-loathing I had never thought possible from her. Then she had apologized to me in a voice filled with pain.

I had told her that everything was all right then. Did I mean that? I'd like to think I did. I couldn't stand to see the person who had been my friend through the worst parts of my life be so broken like this. I wanted her to return to the calm, serene young lady who gave me a place to rest in the Student council room, who provided an ear for my often careless words, and who teased me for her own amusement. So I comforted her the best I could then. I'd hoped at the time that was enough.

Seeing her on the bed before me told me that might not have been sufficient. Shizuru was having nightmares and I could guess their source. After all, I still had some nightmares from the days even before the Carnival began. Each of us who had been HiME carried some scars that would take time to heal, and I mentally kicked myself for thinking Shizuru was any different. Did Shizuru spend every night like this? Having to fight this alone?

So I did what I could. I took the straight chair from its place by the wall and sat down next to Shizuru's bed. She was still shaking. Hesitantly, I reached out and touched her back. Would this calm her or add to her distress? Shizuru sighed, and as I slowly rubbed her back, her trembling subsided.

This seemed to work, so I continued. Shizuru seemed to fall into a more relaxed, deeper sleep.

I guess I feel asleep there too.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
I hope I have captured Natsuki's inner voice and mind here, and that they seem to match the show in addition to my other works. She does take more effort for me to write than Shizuru (who can be a bit too similar to my mind at times), but I've found I like her as well. Please let me know how I did on this.

My muse and I want to hear your thoughts and reactions to this story. It really helps me to hear both what works well in addition to what might not have worked. We get added benefit if you can say why something worked or didn't, but just the what is an immense help.

We look forward to hearing from you in your reviews, both short and long. They both inspire me and help me to improve as a writer, and my muse uses them as fuel to feed her (and thus my) creativity.


	2. Chapter 2: Waking to Food and Studies

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 2**

 **Waking to Food and Studies**

* * *

"Natsuki."

A lovely voice called me in my dream. I don't remember any detail of that dream, save that it was good, and _very_ pleasant. The voice fit in with the dream, and I wanted to stay and enjoy it. But a gentle hand touched mine and pulled me out of it.

 _Why are you dragging me out of this good dream?_

I blinked to clear the sleep from my eyes. Shizuru still lay in front of me, but now she she had turned and her red eyes were gazing up at me. It was her hand that woke me up. I looked back at her, wondering if that terrible dream of last night was still bothering her. It seemed not.

While I was still gathering my wits, she spoke.

"Natsuki, I'm sorry to wake you, but I think it's time to get up."

"Sure."

I realized sitting here in this chair effectively trapped her, and I didn't want to be a jailer. I pushed back the chair so she'd have room to get up. She did, and headed out, probably to the bathroom.

.

I closed my eyes again to think.

What was eating away at Shizuru so that she had nightmares like this? I figure it was from the Carnival, but what specifically? Was there something more I should have done for her back then? Was there something now? Why did seeing her hurting like last night feel so bad _to me?_

I'm a lone wolf. Nobody else matters, at least now that mom is gone. OK, I do have some "friends," but those were _just_ friends. I let no one inside my walls, where they could hurt me, or I them. It isn't that I enjoy seeing friends hurt. Just the opposite, I think. I'd rather not hurt anyone, but I admit that I'm not very skilled in diplomacy like Shizuru. Must be my brusque nature. But why did seeing Shizuru like that make me feel like a part of _myself_ was hurting enough that I wanted to fix it?

I wasn't good at listening to my subconscious at all back then. It was trying to tell me that Shizuru really was special.

.

"Natsuki."

Shizuru's voice brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up at her, leaning against the door frame. How long had she been watching me?

"Thank you for taking care of me last night, Natsuki," she continued. "If you're hungry, I can make some breakfast."

"Yeah. Thanks."

My stomach had no argument with that. I slowly got up and followed her out to the kitchen. She bent down to get something from the cupboard.

"Can I help any?" I asked. I didn't want to be a burden and make her do everything.

Shizuru's smile told me that was the right thing to ask.

I had to ask her what to do and where everything was, so making breakfast took longer than it ought. Shizuru didn't seem to mind, but I found it frustrating. This might have been the first time I actually regretted my lack of kitchen knowledge. Shizuru happily told me everything that needed doing and how to do it. I did the best I could.

When all was finally ready, we sat down to eat. The food was tasty, and even though we said almost nothing, I enjoyed the company. I think Shizuru did too. I'm normally not much of a breakfast person, but I think I could learn to enjoy breakfast like this.

We finished eating and Shizuru refilled our teacups. She thanked me for helping her to bed. I said it was only fair, given how she'd taken care of me.

"Did I cause you any trouble when you put me to bed?" she asked.

"Other than not waking up and walking yourself there?" I teased. I ought to be able to get a dig in sometime. "No..." I continued, "but you did seem to have a nightmare after getting into bed." Somehow I wasn't able to follow through with teasing, and I failed to hide my concern.

Shizuru gave me an enigmatic smile, then quietly answered.

"Nightmares are something I've become too familiar with of late, though last night they turned out not to be as bad as other nights." She looked directly at me. "If you did something that helped, thank you."

Part of me was confused. Shizuru dodged my attempt at teasing her and focused directly on the concern for her I showed.

 _That's not the way teasing is supposed to work,_ I thought to myself, _but I don't think I really mind this result._ Well, Shizuru _is_ my friend, and I care about my few friends.

Then I saw a shadow of that nightmare cloud Shizuru's face, and she shut her eyes against remembered pain.

What could I do to help her? What could I do to ease that pain I saw?

"Would talking help?" I hesitantly asked.

Shizuru looked back up at me. I could see she was pondering my offer. I wanted to help, but neither of us knew if this would be effective. She was trying to decide if this just might, and maybe more than that, if I was someone she could trust to tell this to. I sincerely hoped for that trust, whether she told me or not.

"Talking about it?..." Shizuru responded, half to herself. "That may help, but I'd like to put that off for a bit if you don't mind. I..." She paused, then changed the subject to something less worrisome. "I guess I should take care of the dishes before they get hard to clean."

She quietly stood up and started picking up the dishes from our breakfast.

If putting off talking and doing something normal like the dishes was what she needed... Yeah, that's also the job of a friend, and something I would happily do.

"Here, let me help," I offered. "That is if you don't think that would be risking your dishes too much."

That made Shizuru laugh. And her laugh felt so much better than the pain that had just been on her face.

I took the rest of the dishes and followed her to the kitchen.

"I'm sure you won't drop them," Shizuru replied. "Of all the things you've been, clumsy has never been one of them."

I set the dishes down next to her and shook my head at her. She couldn't help her teasing response, and I found I had missed exchanging such banter. Its return felt good.

Shizuru began washing, so I took a towel and dried things as she finished. Memory served up which drawers and cabinets I had taken them from, so I put them back.

Why did I remember? I figured that noticing and remembering all these little details was a side effect of the investigative work I had done during the Carnival, when it was vital. Now that I think about it, this was likely my subconscious trying to point out, "Hey, Shizuru is _important!_ " It is the important things that stick in our memory, but it was long before I realized I remembered most everything related to her.

.

We finished cleaning up after breakfast and just stood for a while in her kitchen. The silence stretched out, warm and supportive, but I finally broke it.

"I really ought to go study for our exams coming up. With all that's happened, I haven't done much. I can't say that I want to either. I need to go find someplace quiet to study, too."

Shizuru laughed. "My, what a conscientious student. I never would have guessed you were given the number of classes you skip, Natsuki."

"Shizuru!" I felt my cheeks warm at her teasing. What was she going to do, offer to tutor me personally?

"You're more than welcome to study here if you'd like," she replied.

Well, I wasn't expecting that. When I said, "someplace quiet," I was thinking of the library or someplace like that. I thought back to the times we spent together in the Student Council Room. We seemed to work well together then, and her presence never really distracted me there. Heavens, I would _fall asleep_ there. Somehow this felt right.

"Thanks..." I agreed, then added. "I'll need to go get my books, though."

I guessed it was my deepening blush that brought a smile back to Shizuru's face. Only later would I realize that it was the promise of more time together. The mixed emotions on her face when I left were too subtle for me to interpret then.

.

I quickly rode back to the dorms. Mai and Mikoto were already out somewhere (probably getting more food for Mikoto's bottomless stomach). Good. That meant no impertinent questions.

I took out fresh clothes to change into. After all, I'd gotten these wet in the rain yesterday and then slept in them.

I first picked what I often wore on Sundays, then put it back away. Those "ratty old clothes" seemed wrong, so I pulled out a nicer pair of pants and matching top. These were nice everyday wear (and nicer than the ones I decided against, which really weren't that bad). I knew Shizuru would tease me if I actually dressed up, so I didn't. The fact that I was even considering dressing up for Shizuru should have been a sign to me. I'd pretty much always thought of function over fashion in clothing, except with my lingerie collection, but that was a private diversion of mine. I certainly never let what others might think influence what I wore.

Having picked what to wear, I took my clean clothes and things to the bath. Putting clean clothes on an unwashed body is counter-productive. I also wanted to be clean when I returned to Shizuru's. That ought to have been another sign to me. I only figured out why I felt that way much later.

I took a quick shower and, even though it takes some time to dry, I washed my hair too.

Interestingly enough, picking out what books and things to bring to study took the least time and effort of all I did back at the dorms.

Riding back was an unusual way to finish blow-drying my hair, but it worked. There was just a hint of dampness when I arrived. I stepped into a corner to run a comb through it before climbing the stairs to Shizuru's apartment.

Shizuru quickly answered the door. Pleasure wiped the hint of worry off her face when she saw it was me. Was she glad I had returned? Was I?

She had also changed and it looked like she had taken time for a quick shower too. She'd also done her hair and face: nothing fancy, but Shizuru is the master of elegant subtlety.

She led the way back inside.

"Will this work?" she asked, gesturing to the table where we'd shared breakfast.

"Yeah."

I dropped my bag and sat down in the same seat I'd used for the meal and started taking out the books I needed to work on.

"I haven't been able to concentrate recently," I explained, opening my English text. "Maybe I'm just not used to roommates. Mikoto's nice, but she doesn't seem to understand the concept of quiet study time."

Shizuru nodded, understanding. "Let me get my books," she said, disappearing to quickly return with her bag.

She also sat in the same seat she'd used for breakfast. I don't know where she normally sat before, but from that point on, those were fixed as "our seats."

She fell right to reading; I had returned to my textbook while she was getting her books. I finished scanning this chapter's vocabulary and grammar points, then moved on to the exercises.

The scratching of my pen on the page and periodic flipping back to look things up didn't seem to bother her, nor did her quiet flipping of pages and occasional note-taking affect my concentration. In fact, I felt more able to concentrate here. The library always had someone wandering around to distract me, as did coffee shops, and Mai's dorm room... I've already told of that.

I lost myself in studying, only peripherally noticing when Shizuru got up and headed to the kitchen. Even that didn't interrupt the flow of my thoughts or studies.

Shizuru returned with two cups of tea. She set one down next to me and took the other back to her seat. Good. I was starting to get thirsty.

I picked up my cup and took a sip. Beyond the normal flavor of tea, it tasted of peace, of a sanctuary from the chaotic world, ...of Shizuru. With that cup she started me on my journey to loving tea. I looked up from the cup and smiled.

"Thanks. Maybe I did need something like this," I told her.

"You're welcome," was her answer. The gentle joy that filled her face was worlds removed from last night's terrors. It looked like she preferred things as they were now. I sure did.

I returned to my English text. She opened her laptop and began to type, quickly and fluidly. I wonder what she was working on.

Shizuru didn't spend that much time typing, though at the speed she was, this could have been a reasonable length letter or a short paper. She stopped, picked up her tea, and looked up at me with an expression of mixed puzzlement and satisfaction.

Her puzzlement disappeared into happy contentment, and we returned to studying.


	3. Chapter 3: Our First Lunch

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 3**

 **Our First Lunch**

* * *

We studied on through the morning sitting at the table in Shizuru's apartment.

My stomach rumbled in hunger. Thankfully it was quiet enough that Shizuru didn't notice, or at least she gave no indication she did. I expect she would have teased me if she had. At least this problem had an easy solution.

"I'm hungry," I said, then asked, "Shall we get some lunch?"

Her face lit up as she agreed, wondering if I had any place in mind.

 _Oops_. My brain hadn't gotten to "where." It stopped at "food."

That admission earned a laugh from her and a suggestion of a nearby place ...and she teased me about my love of mayonnaise. I laughed in agreement.

Shizuru seemed especially happy as she led the way to a restaurant not far from her apartment.

I looked up at the awning over the door which said, "Chinese Cuisine: Otome."

I was fine with most anything I didn't have to cook, but this offered a chance to get back at her for that mayonnaise comment. "Chinese?" I asked. "I thought you would have picked a place with traditional Japanese food."

That made her laugh, which felt really good.

We entered and sat down at a table near the door.

The waitress came up and took our order. While we waited for our food I also waited for Shizuru to start the conversation. It looked like she was gathering her courage to talk about something painful, like maybe her nightmare.

She started out by teasing me about the reason I was in the chair next to her this morning, wondering if watching her sleep had become my new favorite pastime? Well, I had found that she does look good sleeping, but only when she's _not_ having a nightmare. Seeing her suffering from one is ...painful. But I wasn't going to admit that.

Then she apologized for teasing me. Water might as well apologize for being wet. If her smile was anything to judge by, my usual indignant "Shizuru!" must have been accompanied by a blush. But I realized making her smile does feel good, and my outrage was more by habit than real.

She asked what I had done last night, so I told of helping her to bed and rubbing her back. I hoped I had done the right thing.

She said my rubbing her back was a help, not a bother, and that it saved her from her nightmare.

 _Oh good!_ I was glad that I had helped, but I really wanted her to never have those nightmares again.

"In the nightmare," she explained, "I was reliving the terrible parts of the Festival and the unforgivable things I did."

I can see how that would eat away at one. My nightmares always did.

 _But Shizuru,_ I answered in my mind, _I already forgave you for those; I told you, "It's OK."_

She looked like she still doubted that, still thought what she'd done was disgusting.

 _No, I don't think it is._

I saw a silent appeal in her eyes, an appeal to not push her away and hate her. I had to answer that plea ...out loud.

"Shizuru," I said, "we've all done things we wish we hadn't. We can't keep them bottled up inside. You know how I lived only for revenge for years after my mother's death. Nao was the same. Her hatred for those who had hurt her family ate her up. But there was one difference: Nao didn't have anyone like you who stood by her as a friend, like you did for me for all those years." I searched my memories so I could be more precise and elaborate on what she'd done for me. "I tried to push you away. I don't know what you saw, but you wouldn't be pushed away. Your staying with me saved me; I never became bitter like Nao. I can see that something is eating away at you. Can I help?"

 _I don't know why I want to help you so much, Shizuru, but I do. It hurts too much to see you like this._

"Is there anything I can do? Please let me," I begged.

I saw a mixture of thoughts and emotions cross Shizuru's face. What were they? Had my effort helped or hurt?

"I..." she hesitantly began. "Natsuki, you know I love you. I know you don't love me the same way, but that's all right."

Yeah, she was right. I still wasn't sure exactly what I did feel for her. At least she wasn't going to insist I return her love, and I was glad for the time that gave me to figure myself out. She continued while I was mulling this over.

"What made my nightmare so terrible was that in it you rejected me for what I had done—hated me for what I had become, for becoming something I myself hate."

 _So that's your nightmare. That's what's eating you._

If I could only reassure Shizuru that she _didn't_ need to worry so much about that. But how?

"Shizuru." I tried to put as much reassurance as I could into my voice. "I told you, `It's OK,' back at the ruined church. It still is." I looked at her, hoping she would understand how _much_ I meant this. "I still mean that. I mean everything I said there. I don't hate you. I don't think I could."

This brought tears to her eyes. I didn't mean to make her cry.

Yeah, I didn't love her the way she did me. I don't think I even understood love, then. I never had since losing mother. I told Shizuru that, and that it was my fault. _I'm sorry, Shizuru._ I know that had to have hurt her.

"But I understand your fear. If..."

Oh boy, did I understand. The thought of Shizuru leaving me—leaving me _alone_ —was truly scary. I closed my eyes against the memories of waking up totally alone after mother died. Shizuru rejecting me would be just as painful.

But Shizuru still needed some reassurance, so I told how Duran's size at the end showed how much I cared for her. And that emotion was caring, _not_ hate like she thought it was at the time.

"Think about what happened at the end when we both disappeared. Didn't that show that you were the one I cared most about, just like I was for you?"

I saw Shizuru's expression ease and the imperceptible lines of terror on her face start to disappear. She was starting to feel better. I hoped I helped.

"Thank you, Natsuki," Shizuru finally said. "Thank you very much."

Her expression was of genuine gratitude, and without her usual mask. Shizuru can be the master of understatement, and she used every bit of her skill here. I have rarely felt so thanked.

.

Sometime while we were talking our food arrived. I was concentrating so hard on helping Shizuru I didn't even notice. Well, that gave me something to do now.

" _Itadakimasu_ ," we both said, then dug in. OK, I dug into my fried rice. Shizuru ate hers like the lady she is.

As we ate, Shizuru continued to relax, and her fears continued to dissipate.

"Hey, this is really good," I exclaimed after a few more bites. It was, and my saying so brought another smile to Shizuru's face.

We finished the meal, talking of school and friends and other ... less weighty topics. Those also felt good.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
The " _itadakimasu_ " that Natsuki and Shizuru say before starting to eat is the traditional phrase Japanese use to begin a meal. It is literally a humble way of acknowledging your receipt of the food, and your gratitude to all who created and prepared it.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Thank you for continuing to read and also to review **Midwife of the Soul**. My muse and I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement.

.

I've mentioned before that "Chinese Cuisine: Otome" is a real restaurant (including the name, floor-plan, and menu). I have yet to hear from anyone that they've identified the actual place and would be curious if any of you do.

.

Back in in **Rebirth of Love** , I started adding "Cultural Notes" to explain some aspects of Japanese culture. This chapter starts that practice in this story. Let me know what you think of them.


	4. Chapter 4: A Private Celebration

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 4**

 **A Private Celebration**

* * *

That study session at Shizuru's led to an invitation to come over and do the same again the next weekend. This started a trend. As winter exams grew closer, our study-sessions grew more frequent than once a week. Studying also seemed to go better for me at her place. I never needed worry about Mikoto pouncing on me with a, "Let's play, Natsuki," right when I was trying hardest to concentrate. Shizuru seemed to have given up her habit of sneaking up and hugging me by surprise. We simply sat at the table; she did her work and I did mine. She seemed to sense when I needed to concentrate and never interrupted me then, though we would chat at other times. I hope I didn't interfere with her studying or Student Council work.

I also found her company strangely relaxing. For some reason her presence didn't seem to trigger my instinctive, lone-wolf wariness that being around others always did. Probably my subconscious was trying to tell me something there, but I didn't know how to listen, yet. Was this what it means to be a real friend? But then, why didn't I feel this at ease around Mai?

The tests started and seemed to go easier for me this time. Was that thanks to our study sessions? At least I was not-dense enough to figure out Shizuru was a big part of what made them more effective, though I couldn't figure out why. I should thank her.

As I rode over on the Thursday before out last tests this term, my brain worked that problem. Celebrating the end of exams would offer an opportunity (or excuse) to do that. Yeah, Shizuru would enjoy dinner together, and if I could figure out something more to surprise her, she'd enjoy that too. But when?

A couple weeks ago she mentioned Mashiro hosting a tea party this Sunday ...and _next_ Sunday was the day before Shizuru's birthday. I smirked inside my helmet. Did she even realize I knew when her birthday was? If not, the surprise could also be good. I wouldn't mention her birthday if she didn't.

Why _did_ I remember her tea party and birthday when I'd only heard of them in passing? It must be the investigative instincts I had developed over the years trying to track down Mother's killers.

.

During a break in our studying I asked, "Hey Shizuru, are you free next Sunday? You wanna do something to celebrate the end of exams? You said you're already doing something this Sunday, but..."

My heart was racing in fear at what I was doing. Would Shizuru take this opportunity to tease (or harass) me with an over-the-top reaction saying I asked her out on a date? Was I asking her out on one? I guess I was in some ways, but not in the way I think she wanted. _I'm sorry, Shizuru._

Her calm answer of, "Of course. What would you like to do?" helped ease these fears. The happy smile that accompanied it made me feel good as well.

Thankfully I'd thought a little on this. "How does dinner at Otome then sound?" I asked. "That seems more your style than Linden Baum." Otome was close by; the food was tasty; and it seemed that last time there had been good for both of us.

"That sounds nice, and you're right," Shizuru answered.

I agreed and grinned back.

Though neither of us mentioned it, we both seemed not to want to run into our gossiping classmates who hung out or worked at Linden Baum. Shizuru's smile had grown as we talked and somehow grown deeper. I hope it was the invitation that made her happy and not just my growing blush.

We returned to our studies. I don't think the smiles left either of our faces.

ooo OOO ooo

I took the opportunity next weekend to go out and look for a birthday present for Shizuru. I was glad to have this time between exams and birthday to be able to. The shopping district over in Tsukimori has some nice stores, and our classmates tended not to visit there much. I wasn't ready to answer their questions about why I was out shopping like this. I doubt I was even ready to answer myself, should I ask.

I wandered through several shops. Nothing I saw said, "this is Shizuru." Sure, there were a lot of cute things, but I kept looking.

Then, a certain pendant caught my eye. It was a single, small, stylized raceme of _fuji_ (wisteria), made of silver, with each flower a tiny blue-violet gem. The fine silver chain it hung on was just the length to have it nestle in the hollow of Shizuru's throat. I imagined it there, and realized how shapely her neck really is. Not only does the name match, but the flowers are in her favorite color.

 _All right. I give up. Fate and my subconscious are double-teaming me._

The price was a little higher than I was first thinking, but I could afford it. I told the clerk I would take it, and asked her to wrap it up for me.

"For someone special?" she asked, as she carefully set it on a bed of cotton wool in a small box.

"Yeah." I figured that was easier than trying to deny it given my blush.

She responded with a kind and knowing smile, as she continued to carefully wrap the box.

I was glad she didn't press the subject any further, but somewhere in the back of my head I was beginning to realize how truly she had spoken.

Both my step and my wallet were lighter as I left that store. I really hoped I was doing the right thing, and that Shizuru would like this.

ooo OOO ooo

That Sunday brought me more personal insecurity. Was I doing the right thing? How should I treat this dinner?

I considered what to wear. Thankfully most of my clothes had escaped the destruction of my apartment. I wanted to dress up a little. I finally settled on my ice-blue sweater over a white, tailored shirt. My navy slacks would go with these. They would work with my bike, and somehow I didn't feel like wearing a "girly" miniskirt. This felt like it matched our relationship better. I didn't want to come across as some fawning, smitten fan-girl. I would later learn that Shizuru never saw me that way, and treasured that difference.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Something felt missing. _Ah! That's it._ I took out a narrow navy ribbon and tied it around my open collar. Placing the bow halfway to my sweater's neckline seemed about right.

I then realized that riding my bike in dress clothes might not be the best idea. There was too much chance of them getting dirty or rumpled. Also, we had arranged to meet at Otome, so I'd have to find a nearby place to park it. The spot I used at Shizuru's apartment seemed a bit silly for that.

 _Looks like the bus is the answer._

Thankfully there was a bus stop right up the street from Otome.

My getting anxious and starting preparing way earlier than I needed meant that I had plenty of time for the slower bus.

.

I put Shizuru's present in the purse I picked. I figured that this larger purse, instead of a separate bag, would help build the suspense for her. I checked the time and headed out to catch the bus.

It dropped me off ten minutes before we arranged to meet, and I began to walk toward Otome. Shizuru was already waiting there. She'd arrived a couple minutes before me. We greeted each other with a smile. I guess neither one of us wanted to keep the other waiting.

The table we chose was closer to the middle of the restaurant: a small one for two, next to one of the half-walls which gave a bit more privacy to those dining here.

After we ordered, I looked back to Shizuru. "I'm glad we're done with exams. Thanks for letting me study at your place. It really helped."

She gave me a surprised smile and answered, "I'm also happy they're over. It looks like you scored rather well. Congratulations. I'm glad I could help out a little bit with that."

"I think you helped more than `a little bit'. Without that quiet study time, I wonder if I would have passed at all. I hope I didn't interfere with your studying."

She really had made my studying go better. _I think I will miss those times together now that exams are over._ No matter the benefit to me, it wasn't worth a hit to Shizuru's studying or grades. She was graduating this spring, so grades were now especially important to her.

She laughed at me. But it was one of joy and amusement, not derision, and it made me feel surprisingly good.

"You didn't bother me at all," she explained. "I quite enjoyed studying together. You're welcome to keep on coming over."

 _Yay!_

It seems that I hadn't been a problem. Her invitation certainly pointed that way. And if I took her up on it, I wouldn't miss our shared times. "If"? Who was I trying to kid? There was no question about my accepting her offer. I was glad to continue our study sessions. And it looked like Shizuru might feel that way too.

I felt my lips quiver with pleasure as these thoughts played through. It also seemed that Shizuru hadn't realized the other reason I picked this day, or at least she wasn't thinking about it.

It was with my heart in my mouth that I pulled her present out of my purse and handed it to her.

"Happy birthday, Shizuru."

Would she like this? Would she over-react? Could I survive if she did? What would I do if she reacted poorly?

"Natsuki, you shouldn't have," was her shocked response.

I guess I succeeded in surprising her. _Score one for me._ She just sat there staring at the box in her hands. Had I succeeded in stunning the unflappable Fujino Shizuru?

"Go ahead. Open it," I prompted.

She followed my instructions, but took such care untying the ribbon and unwrapping the paper that I wondered if she might intend to wrap it back up, leaving no trace of it ever having been opened, like a spy might do.

Her breath caught when she finally opened the lid and saw the necklace.

"Oh, it's lovely," she said in a hushed voice. She looked back up at me with a tender, unguarded expression that made my heart skip a beat. "I'll always treasure this," she said, and I believed she meant that as absolute truth.

What was going through Shizuru's head then? She obviously was thinking, and they seemed to be mostly pleasant thoughts. Oddly, I felt the need to fill this silence.

"I knew you liked the color, and the flowers seemed to go with your name," I explained. Saying that was more embarrassing than I thought. I looked down at the table, adding, "And I thought it would look good on you." My voice here was quiet enough that I wasn't sure I wanted myself to even hear that confession, much less anyone else.

Thankfully she didn't call me on that last, though her breath did catch when I said it, so I know she heard. Rather, she smiled, took the pendant and necklace out of the box, and tried them on. She lowered her hands as the pendant nestled into the hollow of her throat.

"Well?" she asked me.

She didn't need to elaborate. I know I was staring, and the pendant on her throat, with her smiling face above... She was even more beautiful than I had imagined. Why was I thinking that? Why was my face turning red? Since when have I thought of anyone, much less another girl, as beautiful?

"It looks lovely on you," I managed to get out.

 _Gah! What did I just say?_

Her expression told me that I'd said exactly the right thing, and that those words were another gift that she had _really_ wanted. Why do I play into Shizuru's desires like that? Thankfully she did nothing more than give me a beatific smile. For that matter, why _didn't_ I feel worried about what she might do? And why did her smile make me feel so good?

.

The waitress chose that moment to bring us our food. That might actually have been good timing. I wasn't sure what to say or do next. Maybe this also kept Shizuru from becoming ...too explicit in her feelings for me. I realized that I wasn't ready to think more deeply about them. Hopefully she wasn't too annoyed by it.

We both started eating.

Shizuru seemed to understand, as she switched the topic to Mai's upcoming Christmas Party. Of course Mai had invited her. There was no way Mai would let me avoid going, regardless of my own wishes on the matter. There are some downsides to staying with her and Mikoto.

"I don't see how I can avoid going. Are you thinking of going too?" I asked.

Was I just making small talk, or was I actually interested in whether Shizuru was going?

"Perhaps." Shizuru smiled and commented that she also appreciated Mai's _not_ picking a karaoke box for the party.

I nodded in agreement. If Shizuru went, I wouldn't be stuck alone at the party. Wait, why did _that_ thought cross my mind? It wasn't like I didn't know all the other classmates who would be there. For some unfathomable reason, it seemed that Shizuru's presence would make the party more endurable.

Shizuru's expression lightened. "Then I will also," she concluded.

 _Thank you Shizuru. You're saving me._ But of course I couldn't say that out loud. I settled for a simple, "See you there."

For the rest of the meal, we talked of tests and school and such. The ramen really was good. Living with Mai had taught me a thing or two about ramen.

I'll admit that my eyes kept being drawn back to Shizuru's throat and the pendant. It did look good on her. All right, _she_ looked good, especially wearing it with a smile. She seemed genuinely happy. And that made me feel surprisingly good.

I guess I shouldn't complain about fate and my subconscious conspiring against me.

Despite my initial uneasiness, I enjoyed this meal together ...a lot. It seems Shizuru did too.


	5. Chapter 5: Mai's Christmas Party

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 5**

 **Mai's Christmas Party**

* * *

Christmas was coming, along with the end of this school term, ...and of course Mai's Christmas Party. Of course Mai would make me attend, but Shizuru also said she would. Why did that seem to make going to the party less of a pain? It would be a while before I understood that.

Mai again roped me into sharing lunch with her and Mikoto at school. Chie and Aoi joined us this time. As we ate, Mai went on about what Christmas presents she wanted to give Reito and Tate. The gossip hounds ate that up, letting me eat my lunch in peace.

Mai's chattering got me to thinking. Yeah, dangerous, that. Should I get Shizuru something for Christmas? The way she had enjoyed her birthday present made me want to.

So, after school, I snuck off into town. I didn't want to have to explain this shopping trip to anyone ...maybe not even to myself. Tea seemed like something Shizuru would like, and it would be used up so this present wouldn't stay around forever as a permanent memorial to my soft head. I wasn't thinking of how Shizuru's memory would retain it, regardless.

The shopping district held a small tea shop that I knew Shizuru patronized. At least she had brought tea from there to the Student Council room more than once. Hopefully someone there could help me pick out something appropriate.

I told the store clerk of Shizuru (whom she knew) and she suggested a variety of green tea grown in Uji as being Shizuru's' favorite. That seemed as good a choice as any.

She then asked me how I'd like it wrapped. I guess my confusion was evident. She suggested light-brown ( _chairo_ , tea-colored) paper with a green ribbon, then explained the multiple meanings there which should amuse Shizuru. _I hope she enjoys that part too,_ I thought to myself. I left the store with bag in hand, and my face wearing an expression which hindsight says was a hopeful smile.

Only then did I wonder when I'd have a good chance to give this to Shizuru. I certainly didn't want to make it a big public presentation.

ooo OOO ooo

The Friday before Christmas came to the three of us living in Mai's dorm room.

"Mikoto, you need to change into something nicer for the Christmas Party," Mai ordered, then added, "Natsuki, we're leaving soon."

I figure she was being polite since I'd quietly acquiesced to coming to the party. She had long ago decided that I was coming, whether I would or no, but she was grateful she didn't have to force me.

I sighed and answered. "Yes, Mai. And I'll make sure to wash behind my ears."

Mai laughed at my teasing; she does act the mom at times, and I enjoy teasing her about it (no matter who she's mothering). But her prodding Mikoto made me think that she did have a point about changing, even though she refrained from telling me how to dress (I'm perfectly capable of picking my own clothes, thank you).

I pulled two of the boxes out from under the bed I was using. They were standing in for a dresser while I was staying here. I took out a nicer blouse and skirt and changed into them. These weren't as fine as what I wore last weekend for Shizuru's birthday, but were still nice. Dressing up that much might have brought questions from Mai I didn't want to answer (and maybe couldn't have answered then).

My changing earned a smile from Mai.

Did I change to appease her? No, my simply going to the party was enough to satisfy Mai, and she hadn't asked _me_ to change. The real reason I wanted to dress nicely was far from my consciousness, ...then.

.

Mikoto and I helped Mai carry the food to the room she had arranged. We met Takumi there. Akira had similarly helped him bring what he had made ahead of time. I wonder if there's a culinary gene in the Tokiha family. They are good at it. Mai sent me back to bring the rest of her food, as there had been too much for the three of us in one trip. She trusted me to return more than she trusted an unsupervised Mikoto not to eat what she was carrying.

That errand done, I moved off to wait by myself while Mai and Takumi took care of the last-minute cooking and set-up.

I could see Mai thinking how I'd been clever to dress in an outfit I wouldn't want to dirty with those preparations. I guess that was another reason, and associating with Shizuru helped me at least recognize devious methods like that. Actually, I chose the pale blue blouse and darker skirt because I liked the colors and thought they looked nice.

I was standing out of the way, avoiding being put to work, and regretting letting Mai convince me to come here early with her. Party's aren't my thing, at least for very long, and this would only prolong the time I had to stay here and act social. At least Mai knew better than to try to get me to greet everyone as they arrived. I might have been more effective at driving them off than convincing them to stay.

Shizuru arrived at the end of the first wave of guests.

Somehow the party no longer seemed such a chore to attend. I guess I really was hoping to see her here. Yes, we'd both said we were coming, but I can doubt—very well.

Shizuru came over to greet me first of everyone here.

"Hello, Natsuki." Her smile was as welcoming as her words.

"Hey, Shizuru." I smiled back. She would understand I was happy to see her, probably better than I.

I knew she would also want to greet Mai and thank her for the invitation. It was the polite thing to do, and she excels at that. Yet I also knew she didn't want to be rude and just leave me. As if I could ever feel she was rude to me. So I glanced over at the food table.

"I need to say hello to Mai-han," she said. "Then you can tell me what here is best to eat."

"Sure."

She did understand. I headed to check out the food while she went to fulfill her social obligations.

.

I looked over the dishes Mai and Takumi had set out, determined to try each of them instead of just chowing down on my couple favorites. They are good cooks and I wanted to be able to fully answer Shizuru's question about what was best.

I first tried the more "meal like" items. Maybe I have matured a little since the Carnival. Previously, I could see me starting with the other table filled with sweets (many made by Takumi). Why? Hmm... I thought Shizuru would prefer the _yakitori_ over the greasier _karaage_ (though it was the opposite for me, by a hair). We'd both enjoy the _takoyaki_. And so I continued around the table. I was surprised that I liked the crisp of vegetables and a couple dips. I knew Shizuru would, but I'm not a rabbit and neither dip was mayonnaise.

This made me glance up at Mai and Shizuru. I noticed that Nao had also come to the party. I wonder how Mai blackmailed her into coming.

This reminded me of a rumor I heard, so I walked over to Nao to check. She looked only mildly surprised to see me here. I guess she figured Mai blackmailed me as well.

"Hey, Nao. I hear your mom woke up. If so, that's really good news."

I gave her a hopeful smile. I know enough of losing ones mother to only wish that on my worst enemy, and Nao was definitely not that. Rival? Maybe. But I don't consider her an enemy, at least not now that the Carnival is over and I can actually think straight.

I think she was surprised enough that she didn't snap back as she usually does.

"Yeah, she has." The hint of something like a smile displaced the normal sneer from her face. "She's still in the hospital, but we can talk now."

"That \italis good to hear."

Nao probably sensed the envy in my voice, as no matter how I wished, my mother would never wake up again. The hint from before turned into a real smile on her face.

"Yeah," she agreed.

We took our separate ways back to the table.

Why had _I_ felt like talking with Nao instead of snapping at her? Had my new, I guess you'd call it an understanding with Shizuru changed me? What had happened to that core of lonely anger that fed my outbursts since ...I lost mother? Was Shizuru filling the hole mother left and calming that anger?

Maybe.

.

I saw Shizuru stop and talk with Nao after I did. It even seemed to be a peaceful, pleasant talk. At least I assume it was, as Nao didn't explode. Shizuru, of course, can be calm regardless of the situation, and almost always pleasant. It was unquestionably more peaceful than their last encounter: that time I literally had to keep Shizuru from killing Nao. I wasn't going to object to this change in Shizuru, nor did Nao.

It looks like I wasn't the only one who found myself changing after the Carnival. But what would Shizuru credit her change to? It wasn't that she had a good role model like I did. It would be months before I figured out that—like so many other things—she was doing it _for me._

I headed to the dessert table. I wasn't going to touch the Christmas Cake until Mai cut it, but the rest was fair game. I felt Shizuru would prefer the _dango_ and their soy-sauce glaze over the much sweeter selection of sugar, chocolate and cinnamon cookies, though I knew those would have plenty of fans.

The party continued on without incident. Shizuru appreciated my investigations into the food and immediately put some of the items I said were best on her plate. Though she was still elegant, it felt like she was going back for seconds of something she liked rather than sampling a new dish. Did she trust my judgment that much? I was glad I used "how much do I think Shizuru will like this" as my metric for "best".

"Those two types of cookies seem popular," I remarked, "but I think you might prefer the _dango_." I picked up a skewer holding 5 of the small, glazed rice balls and handed it to her. "These aren't as sweet as the store-bought ones."

Shizuru took the skewer and smiled back at me. "Ah, _Mitarashi dango_ ," she commented, then daintily tried one. "And Takumi-han made the traditional type. Did you know these were first made at a tea house in Kyoto?"

I didn't know that, but tea and Kyoto seem fitting for Shizuru. Her smile was way sweeter than any dessert on the table.

It seemed like everyone was having a good time, and I know that made Mai happy. I could at least enjoy the food ...and Shizuru's company. It seemed that she was able to enjoy socializing with most folks there. But then she's had practice, and probably training, in that.

ooo OOO ooo

Later in the evening, after Mai had served us all the Christmas Cake, I found myself in a quiet corner together with Shizuru. This was better than being in the middle of everyone, having to act social. I was torn between leaving the party and enjoying Shizuru's company.

Huh? Why were those the alternatives my mind offered?

"Are you trying to decide if you want to be the first to leave?" Shizuru asked.

"Shizuru! I..." Can she read my mind?

I found my outrage was habit, not real, so I saw no point in denying her observation. "Uh yeah."

I figured I might as well share the rest of my reasoning with her, if she hadn't already picked it out of my mind. Why didn't I find that possibility an annoying violation of my privacy?

"But if I leave too soon," I explained, "Mai will wake me up and tease me mercilessly when she gets back to our room."

"If you would like to use my sofa," she offered. "I promise not to wake you up or tease you like that. Though not being in your bed when Mai-han gets back might well invite another kind of teasing from her."

The smile she gave me was full of caring and support, without a hint of teasing on her part.

Her offer was certainly one way around my dilemma.

"Really? You would?" I surprised myself with the eagerness with which I jumped at her invitation. Her offer seemed increasingly attractive the more I thought about it.

Even given how much Shizuru has teased me over the years, I was sure she would honor her promise and tease me less than Mai. While Shizuru has teased me a lot, she has _never_ broken an explicit promise to me. And I somehow felt that the "other kind of teasing" I might get from Mai could be endured, or countered with something like, "I stayed away just to avoid you giving me this attitude. Should I leave again?" That threat might well shut Mai up, as I think she prefers mothering me to teasing me.

But did Shizuru really mean this offer?

"Of course," Shizuru answered, interrupting and completing my train of thought. "You're always welcome to stay over."

 _Huh? Always?_

Yes, I know she likes me, but that's a pretty open-ended offer. I don't know about the future, but I should take her up on it this time.

"Thanks. I need to grab some things first."

Shizuru's place did seem like the perfect solution. It also offered a chance to give Shizuru the Christmas present I got her ...and in private, too. _Bonus!_ I didn't let myself think about why this might make me feel good, though edges of that prompted me to add, "We probably shouldn't leave together. That'd give Chie and Aoi too much ammunition."

I saw understanding, then deduction and decision pass through Shizuru's mind. Perhaps she wouldn't have minded this gossip starting, but she knew I wasn't ready for that, so she would stop it before it started. Though I believe she wished that my feeling was "not _yet_ ready."

"True," she agreed. "Do you want to leave first? How does meeting at my apartment in an hour sound?"

"Fine. See you there."

Shizuru's plan was a good one.

Then a thought crossed my mind, so I offered a slight change.

"But why don't you leave first. I assume you're taking the bus."

Shizuru smiled and nodded in agreement. I saw she thought of more reasons than just travel time to make this the right answer. I might even figure them out later. An hour would give me time to stay a little longer at the party, which I could endure, then collect my stuff from the dorms and ride over to her place.

Shizuru went to take her leave while I stayed in this quiet corner.

.

I watched Shizuru thank our hosts for the party again and apologize for being the first to leave. Mai and Takumi were pleased by her compliments. Of course they were. Shizuru was aiming for that and they were far from the most difficult folks she has dealt with. She even made sure Mai didn't resent her deserting her party early.

I continued hanging back, watching things. The Chinese gal in Mai's class—I think her name's Chun Mei—followed Shizuru's lead and left soon after.

I realized that Shizuru's more formal thanks and farewell were not just for Mai and Takumi (or her own sense of manners), they were also a sign to any other reticent party-goers that it was permissible to leave: "If the Class President can leave now, then it's OK for us too." I'm sure she expected that some would, further decoupling her departure and mine. She _is_ good at this.

It also looked like she had found the only private corner in this place and maneuvered me here for our conversation. She made sure nobody overheard our private talk, and did so skillfully enough that I only just now realized what she had done. She's simply amazing.

I slipped out myself a little later, at the end of the small exodus of folks that Shizuru had triggered. That was my usual style, no fancy farewells for me. Plus, it might take Mai and others a while longer to realize I had gone.

I was free! Now I could head to Mai's dorm room and pick up my things for tonight.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
Uji is a city just south of Kyoto that is famous for its tea, which is known for its superior quality. It is also home to the oldest tea shop in Japan. Tea has been grown in the area since at least the 12th century, and the Ashikaga shoguns went so far as to promote its cultivation there. I think it only natural that Shizuru would gravitate toward this variety of high quality tea.

Even before it became a center of tea-growing, Uji was known for it's cultural assets. The city also hosts many renowned (and beautiful) shrines and temples. One is even featured on the verso of the 10-yen coin. Uji is also known as the setting for last 10 chapters of _The Tale of Genji_. I'm sure Shizuru is familiar with all this, but Natsuki only peripherally so.

.

Japanese gift wrapping—like the clerk does for Natsuki—is in a league of its own, rather the opposite of the cursory job done by American stores or what Amazon attempts by tossing an item in a "gift bag." The presentation and attitude themselves are performance art. I can't see an American store wrapping a gift with the care, precision, and courtesy I am used to receiving at an ordinary store in Japan, much less what a classy department store will do for a wedding gift.

.

Yes, the _Mitarashi dango_ Takumi made are real, and originated in Kyoto as Shizuru says.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Writing this chapter ended up pushing a minor change back into **Rebirth of Love** , namely who leaves the party first, Natsuki or Shizuru. I wrote Natsuki's observations on why it made sense for Shizuru to leave the party first. Only then did I notice that I'd originally written Natsuki as being the first to leave. I like this version better, as it gives more opportunity for Natsuki to admire Shizuru's skill in handling social situations.

Shizuru still offers to let Natsuki leave first, but I changed it so Natsuki convinces her otherwise. Even with all the advantages Shizuru knows she can extract from her departure, she doesn't want to make Natsuki stay at a party she's had enough of if she can avoid it.

So, this version is now canon. I've gone back and changed **Rebirth of Love**. I haven't bothered changing the original **Rebirth,** as I feel that's old enough and superseded by these two stories anyway.


	6. Chapter 6: Presents and Quiet Company

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 6**

 **Presents and Quiet Company**

* * *

Back in Mai's room, I took out my smaller bag and began selecting what I'd need tonight at Shizuru's. The Christmas present I got for her was the first choice, but it would go on top of everything else. Toiletries, essentials, and a pair of pajamas were easy to pick.

The skirt I was wearing looked good but it's length would be inconvenient on my motorcycle, so I changed into my best pair of jeans. I started to unbutton my blouse, then remembered Shizuru's smile at the party when she saw me wearing it. I re-fastened the buttons, tucked it in and straightened the places I'd disarranged.

I then packed, changed my mind, unpacked, and repacked the outfit I would wear tomorrow ...a couple times. Once I even put in a small club to defend myself should Shizuru get amorous, then took it back out again. I had to laugh at myself, as logic and even more some deep part of my subconscious said I could trust Shizuru not to do anything like _that_ to me.

Why was I so nervous?

I should have realized that this care in choosing what to bring to Shizuru's was a sign, a sign to me, as I know Shizuru welcomes me regardless of what I wear or what I bring. I still had a lot to learn about myself.

I finally settled on nice but not overly fancy outfit, ...and no club. I finished packing by carefully setting the wrapped box of tea for Shizuru on top of everything and closing my bag.

.

My motorcycle brought me unerringly to Shizuru's. Thankfully, my waffling over what to bring or wear hadn't taken too much time, and I arrived at her door exactly when she told me to.

Shizuru invited me in and thanked me for coming over.

"What's this `thank you'? You're helping _me_ tonight," I countered.

Only later did I figure out that my company was a enough of a gift that Shizuru wanted to thank me for it as well.

We both laughed at our little contest of gratitude and sat down at her table in our usual spots. It felt different, but nice, not to have it covered with books and papers from our studying.

Both of us were glad we went to Mai's party. It had given us a good nudge to begin talking to some folks we'd avoided since the Carnival. Shizuru was better at putting this into words, but I was surprised to find I felt the same way about it. This might have been the first party I'd been glad to go to since the birthday parties Mom threw for me as a kid. Shizuru also spoke for me when she concluded, "Honestly, right now I prefer a quieter time like this. A little company is nice though."

 _Yes, Shizuru, I feel that way too ...provided it's_ your _company._

Taking out and handing our Christmas presents to each other ended in a tie, which made us both laugh. I convinced Shizuru to open my present first, using the excuse that her box for me was way larger than mine.

After a brief tease, she opened my little package with the same precision and care that she had her birthday present. The tea-shop clerk was right, this was her favorite variety, and she also loved the wordplay of the tea-colored wrapping paper and green ribbon (which did seem fitting for green tea).

Her expression and the way she held the box to her heart told me this gift truly meant a lot to her. And her smile was full of pure, honest joy and thanks. Not one muscle cell contracted out of artifice. That made me feel _really_ good.

She even apologized for teasing me. Not that I haven't learned to handle her teasing, but she rarely apologizes for it. I owe that clerk a debt of gratitude.

Shizuru then urged me to open her present. It was a riding suit, well-made from strong, supple leather dyed my favorite dark blue.

"You shouldn't have. This is too much." I told her.

Shizuru explained why she got me this present, but I only half paid attention to her. I was that stunned and overwhelmed by the riding suit.

With all that had been going on since the Carnival, I'd never gotten around to replacing my old suit. Now I didn't need to. As she said, this was definitely better than the jeans I'd been wearing. Shizuru knew my favorite color, and I knew without checking that the suit was top quality: Shizuru would give nothing less. This present meant I could, hopefully, leave behind my old suit and the anger and vindictiveness I wore together with it during the Carnival. Only later would I come to see and appreciate all that _this_ new riding suit could mean.

When she paused in her explanation, I managed to stammer, "Thank you."

Would this suit fit and feel as good as it looked? One way to find out.

"Um, would you mind if I used your room to try this on?" I asked.

"Go ahead. I promise not to peek. I'll go make some tea for us."

She was giving me the gift of privacy to change instead of ogling me like I figured she wanted to.

 _Thank you for that, too, Shizuru._

I shut her bedroom door behind me and quickly changed into the riding suit. The leather was superbly tanned, soft on the inside with a strong, durable outside. It felt good, and fit well. Since it was natural leather, both would improve with use. I swung my arms a bit and tried a couple squats and kicks. It seems Shizuru knew my exact sizes as the suit never pinched or constrained my movement: quite an accomplishment for a skin-tight suit. Shizuru is amazing.

I didn't change back. I assumed Shizuru wanted me to model the suit for her, and figured I owed her at least that much in return. I met her coming out of the kitchen with a tray of tea and snacks.

"How does it fit?" she asked.

Her expression already told me that I had assumed correctly, and that she quite liked the way it looked ...on me.

"Perfect. Thank you again."

I ran my hands from my waist to my knees to show her.

"Thank goodness," she answered. She looked like she really had been worried about the fit. She shouldn't have been.

.

We sat back down at the table together. Shizuru poured us each a cup of tea.

I took a bite of one of the triangular sweets she set out. Their cinnamon flavor went well with the tea. Of course she would choose a tea that complemented them.

"These are tasty. What are they again?" I asked.

Shizuru smiled back. She'd given me some of these last year, but didn't mind my lapse of memory.

"They're _yatsuhashi_. Mother sent them `to celebrate the end of term'."

"So that's why they taste of Kyoto," I commented after swallowing the rest of my first piece. "Thank your mom for me."

"Well, they are a specialty of Kyoto, so I guess they come by the taste naturally." Her expression turned from playful to tender. "And I will surely pass your thanks along to Mother."

Shizuru's smile softened. She understood. Mothers are important to both of us, and I'm glad she can still enjoy hers.

We continued sipping tea and nibbling _yatsuhashi_ while we talked about various things. I don't really remember what, merely that it felt good to share thoughts and company like this. I wonder if Shizuru noticed me occasionally running my fingers over my new riding suit. It felt as good on the outside as it did to wear. Anyone else, I would say would never have noticed, but this was Shizuru.

Eventually I yawned and noticed we had completely finished the tea and _yatsuhashi_. Shizuru yawned as well, and we agreed it was time for bed. She headed to the closet to take out blanket and pillow for me. I wandered over to look out her balcony doors. It was pitch black out now, but the streetlight illuminated the soft, white snowflakes that had begun falling after I got here. How long had Shizuru and I been sitting there chatting? Enough time for some snow to accumulate, but no matter how long we'd chatted, it had been time well spent.

Shizuru stepped up next to me, having left pillow and blanket on her sofa.

"White Christmas," she observed.

I nodded. It was, and it felt right. Neither of us said any more, but I'm sure something poetic was going through Shizuru's mind. We stood watching the snow until we yawned again. I guess that was becoming our signal this evening that we should do something.

Shizuru offered me her bathroom as well as a _yukata_ to change into. She said not to rush and promised not to peek in on me bathing or changing.

I gave her a smile and a nod and headed to the bathroom. While I had brought my own pajamas, somehow a _yukata_ seemed the right thing to wear to bed (or to sofa) here at Shizuru's. That little air of old Japan that lingers around her makes western sleepwear seem less appropriate.

I enjoyed the bath, but didn't spend too much time relaxing, soaking in the tub. Shizuru was already yawning sleepily, and I didn't want to keep her up too late. I slipped into the _yukata_ , feeling its soft cotton warmth, and left the bathroom.

"Your turn," I told Shizuru, who had just finished cleaning up table and kitchen.

Shizuru closed the cabinet holding her tea set and headed for the bathroom. I unfolded the blanket Shizuru set out for me, and arranged it and the pillow on the sofa. While I could have just flopped down there and fallen asleep, Shizuru's place seemed to warrant a little extra ...is formality the right word to use for bedclothes?

I was once again looking out Shizuru's balcony at the snow when she emerged from the bathroom. Of course her _yukata_ was lavender (she'd chosen a blue one for me). She pays attention to the smallest things like this.

"Is there anything else you'll need tonight?" she asked.

I said there wasn't. I've slept in far worse places than her sofa, and we shared a laugh about those.

"In that case, good night and sleep well," she wished me.

"Good night, Shizuru. And... thank you for everything."

 _Yes. Thank you for all you're doing for me tonight. I'm not sure I even know what all of that is, but... Thank you._

ooo OOO ooo

I slept soundly on Shizuru's couch. Better than I thought I might. I was worried that my subconscious might be on a hair-trigger, alert in case she would want to take advantage of me. But, no, it told me to sleep soundly, that I was totally safe and secure. Waking the next morning I found I had been. My subconscious was right to trust Shizuru, even when my insecurity and silly false-logic told me to worry.

I quietly stood up, shook out my hair and ran my fingers through to take out the tangles. It had fared all right on Shizuru's couch, which was a another sign that I had not tossed and turned out of worry in my sleep.

Shizuru was already in the kitchen, starting to make tea for breakfast. I came over and quietly leaned against the door-frame to watch her.

When she finally looked my way, I asked, "Can I help?"

She happily accepted my offer, but lamented that she wouldn't be able to surprise me with breakfast.

I had to laugh at that. Shizuru also enjoyed our byplay, judging by her smile.

I nodded toward the teakettle she'd put on the stove. "Of course you have to have tea to start your day," I continued, mixing truth and teasing.

She raised and eyebrow at me, and declared, "Tea is the ultimate mental and medical remedy and has the ability to make one's life more full and complete."

"OK." What more could I say? I was well answered, not that I expected anything less from Shizuru.

I did have to ask, "Who are you quoting?" While Shizuru certainly could come up with something like that, I knew she would rather use an ancient master's words. Her tone of voice also told me this was a quote.

"That was Eisai Zenji," she explained, breaking into a grin which turned what might have been a rebuke into more shared teasing. "It's the first line of his book, _How to Stay Healthy by Drinking Tea_. The tea you gave me last night is descended from the seeds that he brought here from China in the twelfth century."

Shizuru is simply amazing. Not only did she have a fitting quote to answer me, but she even managed to tie it into my present last night. And she does this so naturally, she probably doesn't even consider it special, or memorable.

Still, it felt really good to share another laugh over our exchange.

.

I pitched in to help with breakfast, setting the table and doing whatever else she asked. I was surprised that I remembered were most things were. I think that surprised her too.

Everything was soon ready, and we sat down in our usual spots. Shizuru called the breakfast "simple," but compared to my normal can of coffee, when I had anything at all, this was haute cuisine.

We talked more than at that first breakfast, but Shizuru politely refrained from mentioning anything of real consequence until I was fully awake. Our chatting still felt good.

When I was mostly fed and awake, she brought up something we had talked a bit of last night: Mai was trying to encourage Mikoto to visit Reito and family over the holidays.

"It sounds like she's trying to strengthen Mikoto's family relations," she observed.

"Yeah. An empty dorm room would encourage Mikoto, and Mai can arrange to be out-of-town then." I agreed.

I looked out the window, wondering if Mai was doing this scheming as a way to get closer to Reito, ...or create some distance from him. I'm no good at figuring out matters of the heart like this. Then I realized a hole in Mai's plan.

"I need to find someplace to stay for a couple nights," I explained. "I'm sure Mikoto would try to get me to cook otherwise. That would end badly ...for both of us."

The corners of Shizuru's mouth quivered at that last. I'm sure she was also imagining a grand kitchen disaster like I was. Her amusement then turned more serious.

"You could always come and stay here again," Shizuru suggested. "It looks like you were able to sleep reasonably well, and we certainly had no disasters in the kitchen."

I turned back to Shizuru. She did have a point: we had no trouble making breakfast, and I had slept well.

"Really?" I asked. "Again?"

Why did my heart leap at the chance of spending another night or two here? You'd think I wanted to or something. Well, "leap" might not be the right word, as it almost felt more like contented relief that I would be coming here again. For that matter, why did I feel so comforted by Shizuru's offer ...or comfortable staying here.

"Of course, Natsuki." Shizuru looked like I'd given her another Christmas present.

But New Year's is a family time, I thought. And I didn't want to take Shizuru away from her family then. I was worried that I'd be depriving her of precious time with her mother. Yes, I still miss my mother, and I wanted Shizuru to be able to enjoy hers. Those thoughts raised another question in my mind.

"You're not going back to Kyoto?" I asked, worried.

"No, not this year."

I looked closely at Shizuru as she said this to see if she was telling the truth. I don't think she was prevaricating. I'm sure if she _really_ tried, she could have fooled me, but I believe I could probably detect that better than most.

"Well, if you're sure it's no problem..." For some reason I really didn't want to be a bother to her. Her expression changed minutely to say it was not. "Thanks," I finally answered, then added. "I know that'll make Mai happy." _To say nothing of you, Shizuru. Your face just told me that this is something you_ really _want._

"It's no problem," Shizuru confirmed.

I was glad this wasn't going to cause her any problems, and her smile made me feel strangely good.

"Do you want to tell her that we're getting together to watch the _Kohaku_ on TV then?" Shizuru suggested. "That's a traditional activity, and I will often watch at least some of it. And if you'd like, there's even a shrine nearby where can make our first visit of the year."

 _Yeah, those are good ideas._ Not only were they plausible things that I could tell Mai, they also actually sounded interesting, though I'm not sure I had ever looked forward to doing either of these things before.

"Sure. I don't mind. That's a good excuse ...both are. I'll tell Mai when I get back."

Shizuru looked happy at my continued agreement. But really, I should be grateful as she was helping me out.

.

We finished our New Year's plans about the same time as our meal, then washed and put away the dishes together just like we had that first morning.

I looked at the time.

"Well," I finally concluded, "if I'm going to avoid giving Chie and Aoi gossip to spread around, I should get back. Who knows what rumor they'd turn a morning arrival into."

"True. They won't be up quite yet." Shizuru smiled. "You can deal with Mai?"

"Yeah."

She seemed almost sad to see me go. And I wasn't exactly eager to be leaving either.

Why?

That question occupied my mind on my ride home. I found it ...interesting that part of me really wanted to stay. I also found the prospect of a longer stay at New Year's was something I actually was looking forward to.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
The _yatsuhashi_ from Shizuru's mother are, strictly speaking, _nama yatsuhashi_. These are squares of _mochi_ (glutinous rice) dough, sweetened and flavored with cinnamon and folded into a triangle around a filling of azuki bean paste. There is another variety, _yaki yatsuhashi_ , which are baked hard like a cookie. Interestingly enough, the nama _yatsuhashi_ Shizuru's mother sent are actually the newer version, only dating back to the 1960's. In addition to the traditional cinnamon flavored version here, they also make _matcha_ (green tea) flavored _yatsuhashi_.

.

The _yukata_ Shizuru provides for Natsuki is a simple, full-length, unlined kimono. They are usually provided by Japanese inns and hotels to wear after bathing and as sleepwear, just as Shizuru did for Natsuki. The other common use is as light summer-wear, especially to festivals during the hot season.

.

Eisai, whom Shizuru quotes, is known for bringing both the Rinzai school Zen Buddhism as well as green tea to Japan from China. The book Shizuru quotes, _Kissa Yōjōki_ (How to Stay Healthy by Drinking Tea), is the oldest Japanese specialty book on tea.

.

The _Kohaku_ Shizuru suggests watching is the end-of-year music program on NHK (the _NHK Kohaku Utagassen_ (NHK Red-White Song Battle)). Watching that is often a traditional New Year's Eve activity. It's been on the radio since 1951 and on TV as well 1961. The audience now isn't quite as large as it used to be. It lasts four and a half hours, so Natsuki and Shizuru can spend most of the evening watching it, if they're inclined to watch all 58 acts.

The _Kohaku_ has shown up in a few anime, although the ones I recall are all older ones. Perhaps that's because it doesn't quite have the same overwhelming popularity that it did in years past.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Thank you for continuing to read **Midwife of the Soul**. My muse tells me there are more readers out there than just those of you who've written reviews. Each review does bring a smile to her face, and for some she even begins to blush. I'd like to continue making her happy this way by showing her more, she deserves it. Thank you for your help in that.

.

Also, those of you keeping close attention will notice that Natsuki was right, Shizuru didn't consider her quoting Eisai worthy of including in her story.


	7. Chapter 7: Second Sleepover

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 7**

 **Second Sleepover**

* * *

The next day I pondered Shizuru letting me stay at her place for the three nights over New Year's when the dorms were closed and Mikoto would be visiting Reito and family. Well, "letting" might not be the right word. It is probably _far_ too mild given the joy in her expression when I accepted her offer of crash space.

I should do something to show her I appreciated her offer, maybe something we could do together, as we'd have plenty of time to kill. That would make her happy. Bringing one of my video games wouldn't be her thing, but... Maybe movies? I didn't have any so a trip to the rental store was in order.

I stopped by one while I was out taking a ride on my bike. Anyone at school, and especially Mai, knew I enjoyed riding and wouldn't suspect I was doing anything else. I wasn't yet ready for those questions.

As I rode, I thought about what to get. One movie wouldn't last three days. I'd need several, or maybe a TV series. Then what should I look for in movies?

I started looking at period dramas. Shizuru's fondness for traditional culture made me think those might work. The first one I pulled off the shelf showed a woman warrior on the back cover. That might be good, but the _naginata_ she was carrying might bring up the wrong memories for Shizuru, as that was her element which she used to slaughter so many during the mad days at the end of the Carnival. Back on the shelf it went. The main building from the next one reminded me of that tea house she took me to during those mad days. Given the events that transpired there, perhaps a different genre would prove less hazardous to memory. Picking something could take forever. It was time to get help.

"Excuse me," I asked the clerk standing behind the counter.

"How may I assist you?"

"I'm having trouble picking something to watch over vacation with a friend who's visiting."

That wasn't the complete truth, but I wasn't exactly sure what name—if any beyond the simple "friend"—to put on my relationship with Shizuru. At least my conscious mind wasn't. And who was visiting whom? I think I muddied that from the habits of hiding my tracks developed when I was investigating Mother.

"What type of movies does your friend like?" he asked.

"Well." I paused to think for a moment. What did Shizuru like in entertainment? An idea came to me. "They like good characters and a good story and have liked ones centering around the personal interactions."

Where had that detailed analysis come from? I guess I knew Shizuru better than I thought.

"Like among a group of friends?" he asked.

"Yeah, that type."

He thought for a minute, then asked if I wanted a movie, or something longer than that. After all, I said it was over vacation.

"Have you seen _Orange Days_? It might be up their alley, though is a TV drama not a movie. It received good reviews and I enjoyed it." When I looked interested, he continued. "Shibasaki Kou plays a violinist who's lost her hearing. I don't know if it might be too long. It's eleven episodes."

I did some quick mental math with the calendar while he told a bit more of the series. Yes, the length was doable; it would fill a lot of the time. And if it wasn't to Shizuru's taste, we certainly didn't have to finish it.

He led the way into the shelves and pointed it out. I pulled the first DVD out of the bright orange box (fitting, given the name of the show). The cast picture on the front looked like they were having fun, and the description of the first two episodes on the back seemed interesting enough. It was worth a try.

"Sure," I told the clerk. "Let's try this."

The rental price was less than I was expecting. A nice bonus.

ooo OOO ooo

That afternoon, Mai asked if I was taking anything to Shizuru for letting me stay over. Mai is such a mother. I'd already thought of that, but I wasn't sure I wanted to admit to the time I'd already spent getting something we could do together. When I waffled, Mai suggested bringing food. Again, I was _not_ surprised.

"In fact, what about _toshikoshi soba_ (year crossing noodles)?" She suggested. "That's a traditional New Year's dish, and I figure tradition would suit Fujino-san."

Well, Mai was right about that. Of course, she never entertained the thought of my doing more than purchasing them. Natsuki cook? Yeah, right. She knew me better than that.

"Thanks for the idea," I replied. "I hadn't decided, and might as well go with that. It sounds good."

I figured that was the right combination of agreeable and vague to satisfy Mai without drawing more questions. I decided not to complain about her meddling in this case. Shizuru would enjoy this gift, and it would keep Mai out of my hair.

I remembered that Mai had told me of a noodle shop she found earlier this year. That sounded like a reasonable option. I should check to make sure they did take-out and would be open on New Year's Eve.

.

I let enough time pass so Mai wouldn't be suspicious (or at least so I wouldn't seem suspiciously eager), then headed out to try to find that shop. Thankfully I remembered where Mai had said it was, and there was a noodle shop pretty much at that location. I looked up at the shop name on the _noren_ over the door and remembered that Shinasoba Marutaka was the name Mai had told me. Sure enough, this was it. I would never have been able to come up with the name without that prompting, though.

I pushed aside the _noren_ , entered, and was greeted by the staff. The clerk I talked to was a friendly gal who looked like she might be the daughter of the older fellow who was running the place. She confirmed that yes, they did take-out and would be staying open on New Year's Eve.

"You're far from the only customer wanting _toshikoshi soba_." She grinned at me. "A good many folks would rather let someone else make it."

I gave her a wry grin. "Yeah, it's safer for me that way," I explained, and placed my order. Since they would be open then, I arranged to pick it up on my way over to Shizuru's.

ooo OOO ooo

New Year's Eve came, and I packed what I needed for three nights at Shizuru's. I had much less trouble deciding what to bring this time. I didn't even bother packing pajamas. I knew Shizuru would have that _yukata_ waiting for me. And daytime wear? Those were also easy choices (nice but not fancy). Had my subconscious been pondering it all this time so I already knew, or what? Maybe my uncertainties focused on whether _Orange Days_ would go over well instead of on what I would be wearing. The _Orange Days_ box went into my bag last.

With my packing completed, I changed into the riding suit Shizuru had given me. There were several reasons to wear it for the ride over... all good.

I checked that I had everything, then headed out. I locked the door behind me as Mai and Mikoto had left earlier in the day.

My bike quickly took me to Shinasoba Marutaka. The same "daughter" was there and had the _toshikoshi soba_ ready and waiting for me. She happily packaged them for safe transit on my motorcycle and wished me a good new year.

Next stop: Shizuru's.

.

I parked my bike where I usually did, climbed the stairs, and rang Shizuru's doorbell. She quickly answered the door, and broke into a big smile on seeing me.

"Please come in," she said.

I followed her up the hall set the noodles on the kitchen counter.

"Here," I explained. "I brought some _toshikoshi soba_ for us."

"Thank you. That will be the perfect thing to eat."

Shizuru seemed more than happy at my hostess gift, at least going by her smile.

She opened the package and briefly examined the contents before taking out two of her own bowls and transferring the noodles into them from the melamine bowls the shop provided. I guess she prefers to eat out of ceramic than plastic, when given the choice. That does seem to carry the old formality that is part of her. She then poured the hot broth over the noodles and added the tempura and garnish. The shop was careful to pack these separately to avoid things getting too soggy during the trip.

I did my part setting the table, and was glad I remembered where Shizuru kept things. Admittedly it had only been a few days since I last used that memory.

With everything ready, we sat down to eat. I opened the conversation.

"Thanks for letting me stay here."

"No, truly it is my pleasure," she answered. "I enjoy your company."

Why do Shizuru's words and smile bring the blood to my cheeks. I know she enjoys my blushing, but why did I have that reaction this time. I didn't feel like she was teasing me. Was I teasing myself?

We ate quietly while I wondered about that, and I presume Shizuru enjoyed my "cute" red face.

"These soba you brought are really good," she said, breaking the silence.

I told how Mai suggested the noodles. "She told me about Shinasoba Marutaka and their noodles last summer. She said they were good. I guess she was right."

"If these are representative, then she most assuredly was."

I grinned. That phrasing was so Shizuru, but she was also right.

Some consider it bad luck to leave any noodles behind, but these were good enough that it was no chore for us to completely finish them (not that we believed that old wives' tale anyway).

We kept talking over our empty bowls for quite a while. I don't remember what we talked about, other than we both seemed to quite enjoy it.

We took a break to wash the dishes and clean off the table before retiring to Shizuru's couch to watch the _Kohaku_.

.

Shizuru brought out a blanket which I spread over both of our legs while we sat on the couch. This blanket was big enough to cover both of us and it didn't seem polite to ask for a second one. Shizuru's smile when I did so told me I'd given her far more than just warm legs. Eventually I would understand why she was happy, but even then I enjoyed the warm feeling in my chest that her smile brought me.

The _Kohaku_ started with the hosts introducing themselves and the musicians parading across the stage. The first couple songs were _enka_ , which Shizuru enjoys, but they continued with a good variety of performers and styles.

Interestingly, it seemed that we both tended to like similar songs and performers, but I couldn't resist.

"I guess you only like the _enka_ singers," I teased her. "Is it because it often accompanies period dramas, or do you just like looking at the women in kimono?"

"And I suppose you have no appreciation for anything but that modern pop stuff," she riposted, then took all the sting out of her comment with the silly grin she accompanied it with.

I couldn't help but laugh. It felt good to once again strengthen our friendship with teasing like this. I'll never be as good at it as Shizuru, but that's not the point.

Looking back, I realize that was also likely the first time I ever teased Shizuru about her taste for women, but it just came out naturally. I wonder if my subconscious was starting to realize I didn't need to worry about such a comment triggering unwanted affection affection in Shizuru.

Halfway through the _Kohaku_ , I finally realized where I'd seen the host of the woman's team before. Nakama Yukie also played the lead in Gokusen, and was one cool, tough teacher there. Midori could only hope to aspire to that level. Somehow that gave me courage to tease Shizuru again.

"I finally figured out why you wanted to watch the _Kohaku_ ," I told her.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. You just wanted an excuse to look at the pretty Nakama Yukie."

Why did I think to (and dare to) tease her on this topic again.

Shizuru's grin in return was a combination of impish tenderness. "Were that the case," she countered, "it would only have been because her hair reminds me of yours. Thank you for not teasing yours into something like that ...odd style they first had her wearing."

True, Nakama had let her hair down, and ...wait... did I just miss Shizuru saying that I was better looking than an actress and model. No... She hadn't actually said that out loud, but her face sure did, in that subtle Shizuru manner. How did I pick that up? Did I not mind?

"Shizuru!"

She smiled back at me, acknowledging my teasing and mock outrage, even though I think her riposte would have scored higher in a contest.

I have since learned that these little barbs we toss back and forth have no malice behind them, rather they are a subtle—and very Shizuru-like—way of saying "I understand you; I care for you; have this little tidbit of wit to play off of." We have a far more complicated relationship than would first appear, and I'm surprised at how easily these pieces now come to me. _Thank you, Shizuru._

.

The _Kohaku_ finished, we discussed the results a little, then fell quiet. It felt all right, even good, to just _be_ here together, without the need to _do_ anything, even talk. The low babble of the TV was of no consequence, and replaced the normal distant murmur of traffic (Shizuru didn't live all that far from a well-traveled road in Fuuka). My mind filtered out those sounds, and was left with a peaceful quiet here in Shizuru's apartment. This "quiet" seemed rather a warm, supportive presence than something missing. I'm sure my mind wandered, but I don't remember where, and there is no way Shizuru wasn't thinking about _something_. I wonder what she was thinking of: hopefully she wasn't worrying that I was scared she might do something to me. Oddly enough, I wasn't. Logic might have said I should be, but my brain wasn't listening to fearful logic in the quiet night under that blanket together.

Midnight soon arrived, and we wished each other "Happy New Year." It really did feel like this was the beginning of a good one.

Shizuru yawned, leaned over and put her head on my lap. Apparently she trusted me not to kick her off, or do anything equally unpleasant. Not that I ever would, but I'm glad that she did trust me enough ...and herself enough to be this forward in her intentions. I gently brushed her hair away from her mouth and smoothed it down. Breathing in your own hair is not fun, and I could keep that from happening to her.

Her hair felt wonderfully soft and silky: different than mine, yet oddly familiar. For some reason, my hand kept stroking her hair, as one is drawn to pet a contented cat on your lap. Shizuru did seem happier than any cat I've known, and quite content to stay there.

I wonder if Shizuru was surprised by what I was doing; I certainly was. I've never really acted this way before, but somehow it just seemed natural in the peaceful darkness of her apartment.

My arm eventually grew tired, and I felt a muscle cramp threatening to make itself known, so I stopped. Shizuru seemed to enjoy this enough that I figured she would wish to continue laying here, so I reached over for the remote and turned off the TV. I then pulled the blanket up over her shoulders to cover her against the night chill. I know she dislikes being cold.

What now? I would be fine, but how to tell her that... I put my hand on her waist and gave a small squeeze through the blanket. _You're welcome to stay like this. Sleep well, Shizuru._

She reached up and squeezed my hand in return.

I don't think it took either one of us much time to fall asleep there. Surprising, as neither of us were in our accustomed beds. Yet somehow this felt right.

Maybe I was beginning to trust (or at least listen to) my subconscious. It did seem to understand some things better than I could.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
The _noren_ over the noodle shop door Natsuki refers to is short, split curtain that shops and restaurants typically hang over their entryway. These typically have the name of the establishment written on them (which triggers Natsuki's memory of Mai mentioning the name). They are only put out while the shop is open, so Natsuki finding the _noren_ displayed says the noodle shop is open for business.

 _Noren_ are also used elsewhere as a way to have slight closure of a door or window that is not as firm a barrier as an actual door or shutter, rather like hippie door beads.

.

See the note at the end of the previous chapter for more explanation of the _Kohaku_ that Natsuki and Shizuru watch.

.

Natsuki teases Shizuru about only liking _enka_. This is a genre of Japanese pop music that was quite popular in the '70s and '80s, but seems to be less so now (though it still has a definite following). Shizuru's character song, _Katakoi Enka,_ is also in this style.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Continuing the notes on pieces of "real Japan" in this story, _Orange Days_ —the show Natsuki rents for them to watch—is a real Japanese TV series. It aired in the spring of 2004, and the DVDs came out in the fall of the year. The DVD box really is just as orange the title. There's even an English Wikipedia page on the show for those with a bit more curiosity.

.

Natsuki also teases Shizuru about Nakama Yukie, who is a well-known actress. Her first big role was as Sadako in **Ring 0: Birthday** , and she went on to play the lead in multiple seasons of **Gokusen** (where Natsuki recognizes her from) as well as **Trick**. This was the first year she was the host for the red team on the _Kohaku_. And yes, she does have the same long, dark flowing hair as Natsuki.


	8. Chapter 8: New Year's Day

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 8**

 **New Year's Day**

* * *

Next morning the alarm on my cell phone began to chirp insistently. Thankfully it was closer to my ear than Shizuru's, and I didn't jump when it went off. At least she didn't seem to wake. I silenced it, looked at the time, and realized it was just before sunrise. I didn't think Shizuru would want to miss that. I'd originally set my alarm for this time assuming that I would be waking myself up before she came out to "surprise me" with a hug or something to start off the new year. I didn't mind missing that from her ...then. But I shouldn't let her miss the first sunrise.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," I said, putting a hand on her shoulder and shaking her gently when she didn't react. "If you don't get up now, you'll miss the first sunrise of the year."

She turned and looked up at me.

"Good morning, Natsuki. Thank you for waking me." She smiled. "I hope I didn't cause you trouble by falling asleep on you like this."

There she was, thinking of me first again.

"No... no trouble. You sleep OK?"

Her smile grew deeper, and she sat up so she wouldn't get a crick in her neck looking up at me like that. She thanked me for being a good pillow.

I couldn't suppress my laughter at that image, nor did I really want to. Shizuru joined me laughing. Filling her apartment with shared laughter was not a bad way to start the year.

When we finished laughing, she led the way over to the window to watch the sun rise. She said the view was better from up here than at street level.

Dawn came peacefully and quietly. Shizuru had an apt quote from one of the haiku masters. I had to ask her which one, and she happily told me.

Her ability to find just the right words for a situation as simple as this is amazing. I wish I had her memory for such things. Then again, maybe that's why she's going into literature while I'm focusing on the sciences.

The sunrise was nice—I'm sure she would have called it lovely—but when the sun had fully risen a glance toward the kitchen betrayed me.

"Are you thinking of breakfast?" she asked.

Her grin said she was pleased to have caught me like that.

"Uh... yeah." No point in denying it.

"Shall we make it together again?"

"Uh... yeah. Thanks."

I really should learn to speak in more than monosyllabic grunts this early in the morning. At least I got the "thanks" out. For some reason I was coming to enjoy working together with Shizuru in the kitchen, but figuring out why took me a lot longer. My mild embarrassment at this—as well as the importance I placed on thanking Shizuru— _should_ have been a hint.

In addition to enjoying it, working together with Shizuru felt natural, as if we'd been sharing the kitchen for years, not just the few times we had.

Shizuru had bought sausage, eggs and bread to toast for us for breakfast today. She must have remembered my mentioning Mother making this for breakfast when I was little. Dad had developed a taste for it on his business trips overseas.

Normally I'm quite possessive of anything related to Mother, but somehow this felt like I was being given to rather than being taken from.

Shizuru began cooking the sausages and left me to set the table. At least I could do that much to help, and it did seem to have become my task in our short tradition. Shizuru was still turning the sausages in the frying pan when I finished that bit.

"Natsuki," she asked, "would you mind cutting up an apple to go with this? There's one in the refrigerator."

"No problem."

I smiled at her choice of apple. She remembers that I don't much like tomatoes, which are the common accompaniment to a breakfast of eggs and sausage over here. It also seems she trusts me to do more than just put things on the table. That, and being able to help more, felt good.

I opened the fridge for the apple, but the first thing I saw was my bottle of mayonnaise. OK, "my" may not be the right term for it since Shizuru bought it and put it in her own refrigerator, but I noticed it only appeared after we started regularly studying together. Did Shizuru ever use it? I don't think so. If she did, it was _very_ rarely. Of course I used it. Mayonnaise is tasty after all. Did she buy and keep this bottle around just for me? I wouldn't put that past her; it's another of those nice little things she does for me. I'm not going to complain. In fact, I've come to enjoy those things. I hope Shizuru enjoys doing them: I think she does.

Enough wool-gathering about the mayonnaise. I took out the apple, a cutting board and knife, and set to work.

Everything was soon ready. Shizuru artistically arranged everything on our plates, we carried them to the table, sat down, and began to eat.

Though I rarely otherwise had breakfast, I was discovering I quite liked this way of starting the day with Shizuru.

"Thank you for your help making this," Shizuru said. She smiled at me. "It's good."

I smiled back. Why was she thanking me? She did most of the work, not to mention having this western style breakfast for me instead of her normal fare.

"You're welcome. It's tasty. But I should be thanking you."

She looked unrepentant, and changed the topic to dreams, asking if I had any special first dream for the year. I did not (that I could remember), and neither did she. We did agree that it was good that her nightmare had not visited her last night. I was very glad she slept soundly, and not just because her having that nightmare while sleeping on my lap would definitely have awakened me.

We continued chatting about other things that had happened this past year. It felt good to share these reminiscences with her, just as I had shared many of the events themselves.

After we finished, we took the dishes back to the kitchen to wash. Shizuru washed and I dried, just like we did that first breakfast.

"What do you have planned next?" I asked while putting away the the teacups.

"Well, we had talked about doing the first shrine visit of the year." There was a hopeful note in Shizuru's voice.

"Sure. Sounds good to me."

Shizuru gave me the last plate to dry. Then a hint of uncertainty tinged her joy at my answer. "Are you still willing to dress traditionally?" she asked, hesitantly. "I don't want to push if it makes you uncomfortable..."

Shizuru once again was being extra careful to not force me to do anything. I've noticed that she tends to become much more hesitant when she's asking me to do something that she would _really_ like, but which she's not sure that it might push me farther than I'd wish.

"No, it's OK. If we're going shrine visiting, that's what to wear," I answered. I looked closely at the plate I was drying as I added, "and thanks for the loan. I don't have anything like that."

I really didn't, and if anyone had—and knew—kimono, it was Shizuru. Thinking about it, I was strangely happy that she would was offering to loan me something to wear.

She smiled, accepting my thanks, and answered, "Here, let me show you what I have."

Two kimono were laid out on her bed: one blue and one purple. I left her the purple one, as that's her color—though to be honest, I prefer the dark blue she chose for the other one anyway. In fact, she probably picked these colors for that very reason.

"Thanks for getting this out and letting me use it." I really was glad that Shizuru had an extra kimono for me, and that it looked this good was a bonus. I didn't mind dressing up this way for our first shrine visit, and I was pretty sure she would want to.

"It's no problem," she replied. Her expression told me my guess was right. "You can use my room to have some privacy to change," she added. "Do you want to change first or should I?"

"Go ahead. You're faster anyway." No point in my making her wait. The only folks who'd be more experienced than her in putting on kimono would be professionals.

Her laugh followed me out to the living room.

She quickly changed; then it was my turn. I closed her bedroom door before starting to take off my clothes. Logic told me I shouldn't tempt Shizuru with an open door, but a small voice said I didn't really need to... and might not even want to. It took me some time to learn to listen to that voice.

Shizuru had everything needed laid out in the box with the kimono, and I put on the underthings and kimono as quickly as I could. The obi defeated me. Shizuru had provided a nice, fancy obi (which matched the kimono perfectly) but tying the proper bow in it was beyond my skill.

 _Wait, I don't have to do this all by myself._

"Shizuru," I called, "can you help me with my obi?"

"Of course," her answer came back.

She was close behind.

She complimented me on the way I'd tied my hair back. Frankly, I'd just grabbed that ribbon and tied it so she wouldn't be fighting individual strands while tying my obi. Why make her job harder than need be? She said the lavender color matched the flowers on my kimono (I know she likes the color), and I'd managed to tie it so it was placed just right to accent the obi and kimono pattern. _Well, I might as well wear my hair this way when we go out._ Looking back, I think what pushed me to that decision was that she liked it.

Shizuru's skilled hands soon had the obi wrapped around my waist and tied attractively. She gave a couple quick tugs to straighten out the wrinkles I'd left, then stepped back to check.

"There you go," she told me as looked over her handiwork. I can't call that look ogling. Her face was filled with kindness and caring, not lust.

When she had finished checking my outfit, she asked,"Is mine OK?"

I nodded. She had put her kimono with the skill of a master, and to be honest with myself, she looked lovely in it.

"Wait," she said, "there's one more thing."

 _Huh?_

She turned around and rummaged through her dresser. When she turned back, I was surprised to see she had put on the birthday present I'd given her.

"It may not be perfectly traditional," she explained, "but I think it goes with the color—and I really want to wear it at a time like this."

I'm sure that sent the blush to my cheeks as I smiled back at her. _Thank you Shizuru, it does look lovely on you._ I don't know if she was aiming to make me blush like that, but I wasn't going to complain. It felt _really_ good that she wanted to wear my present.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
The first shrine visit of the year that Shizuru suggests is also known as _hatsumōde_. It's been featured in enough anime that I figure most of you are familiar with it, so I won't go into more detail here.


	9. Chapter 9: Fortunes and Friends

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 9**

 **Fortunes and Friends**

* * *

The shrine isn't that far from Shizuru's apartment, so we walked. On the way, we wondered about the possibility of meeting any friends there.

We arrived at the shrine and washed our hands before entering. When we had finished, who should we meet but Haruka and Yukino. Shizuru wished them "Happy New Year" as did I. Haruka was her usual self, snapping at Shizuru. Yukino, of course, tried to calm her down, and correct her malapropisms. Haruka's snapping pissed me off, but I held my peace. I shouldn't _start_ a fight here, at this time. It was properly Shizuru's call to make on that as well, since Haruka was snapping at her, not me.

Shizuru changed the direction of conversation.

"Please forgive me for what I did back then." she said, bowing deeply to Haruka and Yukino. "I want to never hurt others like that again."

She really did seem to want to mend fences with them. And I knew her repentance was real.

Haruka was still angry.

"Haruka-chan, please," Yukino begged her, which shut her up for the moment. Yukino then turned to Shizuru. "I forgive you. We all did things to repent of back then. Please don't be angry with Haruka-chan," she begged Shizuru.

"Thank you, Kikukawa-han. I will try my best to do so."

Shizuru had the diplomatic answer, but then I knew she meant this too.

Haruka didn't look like she was buying it, though. She wasn't going to give up her old grudge, and that would just fan the fires of hatred which ...should not be fanned. I saw the lines of pain start to form in the set of Shizuru's shoulders.

 _No!_ I will not let anyone stir up Shizuru's pain. No-one: not human, not orphan, not child, not daemon, _No-One!_

I stepped up and seized Haruka's gaze with mine.

"Shizuru apologized. Yukino just accepted her apology. I've accepted hers. Can't you?" I demanded. "If you don't, _I_ will never forgive you!"

I held her there, smothering her will under mine. I will never let her even hint at re-opening the wounds in Shizuru's spirit. Haruka would look at nothing but my eyes until she agreed to that. It is probably good that I've picked up some kindness from Shizuru, otherwise I would have told Haruka what I really intended if she ripped open Shizuru's spiritual wounds: she would not just be unforgiven, she would be _dead._

I surprised myself with the strength of my reaction, and the depth of power and commitment I put behind defending Shizuru. Yet it also seemed the most natural thing in the world.

Maybe Haruka saw a bit of that depth in my eyes, for she finally dropped her gaze and quietly (for her) told Shizuru, "I forgive you."

Shizuru bowed to her in silent thanks and acceptance.

Haruka stormed off, pulling Yukino after her with the strength of her personality.

I took a moment to collect myself. That had been more ...intense than I expected. I wonder if my elements would have come had I tried to summon them then. Regardless, if Haruka had not forgiven Shizuru, things would have ended ... _very_ badly.

My thoughts were interrupted as a soft, slender, strong hand grasped mine and squeezed it tightly. It was Shizuru's. I looked over at her and smiled.

"Thank you," she said, and her eyes began to fill with tears. "I..." She couldn't say any more.

I think I might understand just how grateful Shizuru was for my defending her like that. I'm glad she appreciated it. Not that she couldn't have handled Haruka on her own, but if I could keep her old wounds from being painfully picked at...

I nodded, and told her, "You're welcome." I hope my smile told her just how much. I counted on her perceptiveness to make up for my inability with words.

I gestured toward the inner shrine and suggested, "Let's go."

.

We headed to the central shrine. I only discovered we had continued holding hands when we let go there to toss in our offerings and pray. I'm not used to stopping by shrines to pray, so I didn't know what to ask for. The encounter with Haruka still echoed in my head, so I asked that Shizuru's pain be fully healed, and that I might figure out what I wanted, or even felt.

We respected each others privacy and refrained from asking the subject of our prayers. That, and I lacked the courage to ask, or answer.

The crowd then brought us to the shrine maiden selling fortunes, so we each bought one. Both of us got _dai-kichi_ (great luck).

I scanned the rest of my fortune. The overall fortune read:

 _The door to a shining light of hope opens._ _A new way will make itself clear to you. Be open to trying new things, but do not let go of the good from the past._

Hmm. That could be appropriate given what I was trying to figure out in my life after the Carnival. Some of the specific predictions made sense, but I didn't understand others until later. For example, one of them was:

.

 _Love: Do not overlook the familiar._

Which is obvious in hindsight, but back then I didn't notice what I was overlooking, much less realize I shouldn't be doing so.

I followed Shizuru over to the wires where people tie fortunes they would rather leave behind. As I thought about mine, I decided that was not what I wanted to do with it. Apparently Shizuru's thoughts also ran along these lines.

"Some people say this is only superstition, or tradition," she said, holding up her fortune, "but I really hope that this does come true. What about yours?"

"Me too," I answered, quietly, then followed her lead and tucked my fortune in my kimono sleeve for safekeeping as well. Apparently my subconscious understood more of the messages in the fortune but just wasn't telling me. Why else would I have blushed at that answer.

Shizuru looked curious but refrained from asking me any further. I decided that was probably best, so I didn't encourage her curiosity by asking what had brought that joyous smile to her face when she read her fortune.

Several months later we took out and compared the fortunes we had saved. They complemented each other well, and both had a lot of truth and good in them, but that is getting ahead of the story.

ooo OOO ooo

Since the day was clear and not too cold, neither of us felt in any hurry to leave, so we spent some time wandering around the woods at the shrine. The woods weren't deserted, but it felt good to be away from the crush of folks in the main part of the shrine.

An older lady from Shizuru's neighborhood was also using the woods to escape the crowds (well, that _could_ have been her reason). She came up and wished us both Happy New Year and complimented us on looking good together in our—well Shizuru's—kimono. Her comments about the kimono made me realize that Shizuru had based her choice of their colors on more than just being ones we like—not that I'm at all surprised at her quietly playing with multiple levels of subtlety like this, probably for my sake. That realization brought a smile to my face and color to my cheeks. Eventually I would figure out that another part of the reason behind the smile and warm feeling in my chest was this lady's treating the two of us as a couple. I'm sure Shizuru enjoyed that a lot, too.

I joined Shizuru bowing in thanks to her. I hope that I did it right. I just copied Shizuru: there was no question about her knowing the proper manner in which to behave.

Shizuru introduced the lady as Mrs. Oshima, and later explained that they met at times in the nearby grocery store.

After Mrs. Oshima left, I commented, "I'll bet she was happy to meet a polite girl like you," half teasing, half simple observation.

She agreed, mixing truth in her riposte as well.

Once more we were tossing witticisms back and forth. I enjoyed the cleverness at the time. Only later did I come to understand the unspoken subtext of caring these words carried with them. My subconscious was ahead of my conscious mind then, and was speaking to Shizuru in a language she would understand, telling her truths that I meant, and which I did not yet consciously understand.

One thing I did realize at the time was that I enjoyed meeting Mrs. Oshima. She really was a nice person, and I'm glad Shizuru had introduced us, and that she had a nice friend like her in the neighborhood.

.

It was lunchtime, and we succumbed to temptation and stopped by a stall at the shrine for some noodles. These would hold us for a while, and we'd had a good breakfast anyway.

I was curious to learn more of Shizuru's neighborhood. I had enjoyed meeting Mrs. Oshima; she made me feel part of this community. Did the neighborhood hold other pleasant surprises? Only later did I figure out that this wasn't just simple curiosity, it was because this was _Shizuru's_ neighborhood.

Shizuru was happy to take the "scenic" route back to her apartment, and talk about things we passed on the way.

The street we were taking turned twisty, which made me think this could be fun on my bike. I then realized that the possibility I might come around a blind corner and smack into some little old lady of poor hearing and slower reflexes would kill any fun of speed for me. Oh well. Not all of the older folks we saw around here were as spry of body and mind as Mrs. Oshima. For that matter, there also seemed to be a preschool in the neighborhood and such kids never pay attention.

Shizuru explained this street actually follows the course of an old stream. The stream still exists, now channeled in pipes under the pavement, but it's meandering course still remains evident in the path of the street. Even though Shizuru's apartment was built relatively recently, this is an older part of Fuuka, and the narrow, often twisty and confusing, layout of the streets reflect that.

The street straightened out as we kept walking.

"Why in the world did they stick half a sailboat on end in front of those apartments?" I asked. For there was one there with "Marina Island" clearly written on its side.

"Marina Island is the name of those apartments," Shizuru replied, as if that explained everything.

"But why use a boat as a signboard?" I wondered.

"Do you want the limited, prosaic extent of my knowledge, or should I try to make up something more interesting?" Shizuru asked, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

"Ah, go ahead, be creative." I grinned back. "You can always tell me the boring truth later."

Her story about the original owner and foreigner named Gilligan had us both in stitches.

I enjoyed learning more about this neighborhood where I was starting to spend more of my time. Shizuru was certainly happy to welcome me into this larger part of her life. Or maybe she was just enjoying my company. I was finding hers enjoyable.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Those of you wondering what was going through Natsuki's mind when she confronted Haruka now know. It was a little intense to write, and I think Natsuki herself was surprised by the strength of her reaction. Her subconscious mind and motivations are a bit ahead of her conscious thought process.

.

If you're wondering if "Marina Island" and it's sailboat-signboard is too strange to be real, it does exist. It's an actual apartment building within walking distance of "Chinese Cuisine: Otome". When I was writing of Natsuki learning more of Shizuru's neighborhood, this came easily as a concrete example. I share her wondering of "why" about the sailboat. You can't make this stuff up. Or at least, I thought it best to use something that's actually real to lend a sense of "reality of place" to Shizuru's neighborhood.


	10. Chapter 10: Back at the Apartment

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 10**

 **Back at the Apartment**

* * *

We arrived back at Shizuru's apartment and changed out of her kimono. Once again, she gave me the privacy of her bedroom to change. I didn't mind wearing the kimono, and actually found moving in it easier than I'd feared. I guess I know how to make my body move the way I want so that even this clothing didn't get in the way. Of course I'm not as graceful in one as Shizuru (not that I ever am), but I don't have her years of practice wearing kimono.

Once I had changed into the informal outfit I'd brought, I tried to fold the kimono and accessories for Shizuru—though I'm sure she re-folded it properly later.

"Your turn," I told her as I returned carrying the original clothes I'd changed out of to put on Shizuru's kimono.

She gave me a smile as she gracefully passed by on her way to change. I think that held a mixture of disappointment that I was no longer dressed up for her and joy that I acted this relaxed—my mind wasn't yet ready to say "at home"—here.

I packed my dirty clothes into the bottom of my bag while Shizuru was changing out of her kimono, then sat down on the sofa. Shizuru had folded up our blanket from last night while I was changing, so I didn't need to.

She soon returned, and the question of what to do next came up.

"I'm sorry. I don't have any video games for you to play," she said.

Was she teasing me about liking to play them? I don't think so. She seemed genuinely sorry that she did not have this thing I enjoyed. Whether she was teasing or not, I could reply as if she were.

I told her it was all right, that there was more fun in life than video games, and that I figured they weren't exactly her favorite pastime.

She laughed and agreed that was probably why she had none.

After we finished laughing at this, I reached over to my bag and pulled out the _Orange Days_ DVDs I'd rented. I relayed the recommendation the clerk had given. I really hoped that this was something that she would like.

"Sure," she replied. "If you think it sounds fun..."

 _Yes, Shizuru. I hope it is. I really hope these are something you'll like ...well, that we both will._

She must have seen that hope cross my mind, as her smile grew as she declared, "Let's give it a try."

.

We popped the first disk into her player and sat down to watch.

The show started a bit oddly with college students stealing an orange. On the other hand, the soundtrack had some nice music. What kind of a major is "social welfare psychology" that the main character was studying? Ah, well. I'll give the show time to develop. Shizuru looked like she was doing the same.

A deaf violinist? Seriously? She was pretty, though. The more we watched, the more the show and the characters seemed to grow on us. Sae, the violinist, had lost her hearing in the past few years and was still learning to cope with that. She was fluent in sign language, but music and sound had been such a large part of her life that change was hard.

Hmm... Perhaps I could relate. I no longer had my HiME powers or the quest for vengeance for mother. That wasn't as obvious to others as deafness—and not really the same kind of loss at all—but I was still learning to adapt. Change is something we all have to deal with.

Then there was Kai. All of the characters seemed realistically complex, but as the main character, he was even more so. He was both meddling and understanding, yet also kind, like when he told Sae, "I will save you from darkness." I remember the darkness of Shizuru's nightmare, and I want to save her from that. Can I? Does she want me to? The story was good enough that I didn't even notice what Shizuru's reaction was when Kai said that line. That made Sae cry. What about Shizuru?

.

Evening came, and my stomach growled to be filled. I suppose those noodles from lunch wouldn't last forever, even with our breakfast to back them up.

"If you're up for another traditional meal for dinner, I have all the makings of _ozōni_ here," Shizuru commented.

The last time I had that type of soup with _mochi_ was when mother made it for us. Somehow it didn't feel out of place to share this traditional dish with Shizuru ...or for her to make it.

"Sure, that sounds good. It's been a while since I've had that."

That answer made Shizuru happy, but the little girl in me who helped mother asked her, "I can help you again?"

OK, maybe the big girl I am now also wanted the enjoyment of working together with Shizuru. Regardless, that offer brought a full, happy smile to her face.

"Of course. Thank you." It looked like she really was that pleased.

There really wasn't that much to do, but Shizuru let me chop the carrots and daikon that went in the soup while she did the rest of the cooking. From Shizuru's expression, I assume that she planned to have me do this chopping (instead of doing herself before I got here). I think she enjoyed working together as much as I was coming to—and a quiet whisper in my head hoped I thought truly, that this wasn't just wishful thinking.

Of course, the meal was good. It had been ages since I'd had _ozōni_ , and the taste and smell called up old memories. I call them "memories", but they were not of events or scenes, rather they seemed to be warm feelings and comforting emotions long dormant. I enjoyed them, and only later realized they had been gone so long that I had forgotten I missed them.

.

After dinner we returned to watching _Orange Days_. Shizuru seemed to like the show, and I found that I was being drawn in as well. The characters seemed real, having grown in complexity. They suffered both hope and heartbreak, and while I don't get romance, their feelings in this mostly came across to me. Of course, Shizuru understood more, but she's good like that. Even I felt sorry for Kai when his old girlfriend, Maho, broke up with him. Could I comfort Shizuru like Sae helped Kai then?

In one scene Sae tells Akane she likes Kai, but that she's not going to tell him so since they'll go their separate ways on graduation. It makes sense to not want to form ties that will only be broken later. Was this what Shizuru was trying to do with me? Was it what I was doing with ...everyone, but especially her? Or is there a deeper reason—a deeper fear—that holds me (or her) back.

The episode ended at night with them musing about the future: maybe what we were doing as well, though not out loud. Anyway, we decided to call it a night. Shizuru disappeared into her bedroom and I took my normal place on the couch again. Is "normal" the right word given I've only spent a couple nights here? Maybe it is. Maybe that sense of "normal" was part of what made these times at Shizuru's special. I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure I could actually recognize "normal" given how abnormal my life had been. That sense of normal stayed with me into a sound sleep, and I woke in the morning relaxed and refreshed.

I think "normal" continued through breakfast, as it felt much like the others we'd shared here. No special sunrise or talk of it, just the two of us making and eating the meal together.

"Shall we continue?" I asked once we had finished washing the breakfast dishes.

Shizuru was happy to, and we returned to her TV.

I liked Sae's independence as she got a piano-playing job without any help from her pianist mother. Shizuru and I talked more about that and the friendships among the cast. Both of us chose not to mention the growing romances: me as I don't know how to talk about that stuff anyway and wasn't sure I wanted to, and I think that might be a topic that hits a little too close to home for Shizuru to want to discuss.

An old classmate, and crush, of Sae's saw her performing at her job, and tried to get together with her. He even took Sae on a date (or two, I'm not sure what exactly qualifies as a date) trying to rekindle her interest in him. Sadly, he was just using this as a way to sign her with his companies recording label. Sae discovered this and ditched him (you go, girl!). Kai was the one she then turned to for support. She told him, "I knew it was an unrequited love. It was my only love." She had treasured it inside, but in the end it turned out to be nothing. Kai asked if he has a place in her heart, and in answering, she stepped closer, then into his arms for comfort.

Is her's the kind of pain Shizuru has been going through with her love for me? I'm not going to betray her like that guy did, but she has been enduring an unrequited love for me for years. I don't want to hurt her, nor do I want to lie. What should I do?

.

We left the TV silent, just as we were while those thoughts ran through my head. After a bit like this, Shizuru suggested we break for lunch, as it was getting to be that time. Maybe she also sensed that I needed a break from this show to process the thoughts (and now that I think about it, feelings) that the show brought up in me. Maybe she needed the same.

Anyway, I agreed and we made a quick lunch from some things that Shizuru had on hand. I'm pretty sure she bought these for night before last when we ate the noodles I brought instead. She never said so explicitly, but that's my guess. On the other hand, she had seemed genuinely happy that I brought the _toshikoshi soba_ , and this meant those ingredients didn't go to waste.

Once again, Shizuru instructed me through helping her in the kitchen, and soon lunch was ready. I again remembered where things were and set the table without asking.

That lunch gave me the break I needed. My curiosity was back in force to see how things would work out for the cast. Shizuru also seemed interested in watching more, so that's what we did.

.

The next to last episode was one of many partings. A couple of the cast even started going their separate ways before graduation. The hardest of all was the end of the episode when Sae left for Germany, leaving Kai behind ...forever, it seemed. In movie-typical fashion, he ended up running after the bus carrying her off. At least with sign language, it was practical for her to thank him for their fun times together and wish him happiness, though they might never meet again.

The episode ended. Outside, the sun had gone down, and the night was as dark as my feelings. Being left behind, alone is something I know too well, and do not enjoy, not even vicariously.

But, I could cheer up from this. Shizuru was sitting next to me, and I knew I could count on her help there ...without even asking.

"Hey," I ventured, "how about going out for dinner tonight?"

Maybe such a meal could help my mood, the way it seemed that first dinner out had helped Shizuru with her nightmare.

Shizuru smiled, and then grinned. "Natsuki is tired of my cooking already?"

"Shizuru!" I shook my head. "You know that's not what I mean."

She giggled. Yes, Fujino Shizuru giggled. I don't know if she intended that teasing and giggle to lift my mood, but it began to.

Her grin turned back to a smile. "Of course, Natsuki. That does sound good." She thought for a moment. "Unfortunately, Otome is closed today, so we can't do `our usual' there." She cocked her head to roll some thoughts around in it. "What do you think of Momo?"

"Is that the one across from the take-out sushi place, the one I call Curry of the Zodiac? Sure, I like that."

She got up, getting ready to leave, and her silver laugh filled the apartment. "Yes, that's the one. I suppose that the _chirimen_ figures of all the animals of the zodiac in their window are also a fitting decoration for a New Year's meal."

We both put on our jackets and headed up the twisty road to Momo. It was open, like Shizuru knew it would be. We sat at a small table for two by the window, fittingly enough near this year's figure of the rooster. Shizuru ordered the beef curry rice, and I followed suit.

"Given what you call this place, that is really the only choice," Shizuru stated. Her impish grin dared me to contradict her.

"Makes sense."

We didn't talk about _Orange Days_. Maybe Shizuru sensed that I wasn't quite comfortable with the way that last episode had ended. Yes, it wasn't the end of the show, but it still didn't make me feel good.

The curry, on the other hand, was quite good, and filling too. We also ordered dessert to celebrate the new year. We could find room for that. Momo's real specialty is _anmitsu_ , and that's what we had.

I deliberately finished my _anmitsu_ a little before Shizuru did. That let me grab the check as she put her spoon down for the last time.

"My treat," I declared, getting up.

Shizuru tried to protest.

I shook my head in denial. "You've done so much for me this weekend." She really had, and I put thanks for that into my looking at her. "Please," I asked.

Shizuru actually blushed at my request. "Thank you, Natsuki," she said.

I turned to pay the little man who runs Momo. I presume it's his wife who runs the kitchen, but I'm not sure. If he thought my smile was for the good meal and dessert, I wasn't going to tell him otherwise. It was good, and thinking that was a nice compliment to him. But in truth, most of my smile came from being able to do this for Shizuru, and also for the pleasure that she had brought by driving away the dark mood the end of that episode had brought.

 _Thank you, Shizuru._

.

We walked out the door and turned the opposite direction from when we came. This was the way to the main street. It offered different scenery and had better lighting than the route we took to Momo.

I was curious to see and learn more of Shizuru's neighborhood. The odd store was open along this route, and Shizuru was also able to tell me about several other stores shuttered for the night, or possibly for the holiday break.

Shizuru paused in front of a convenience store. It was one of the few that were open. I pitied the staff who had to be there working.

"Do you need anything?" she asked. "It is conveniently open for us."

I took a moment to actually consider her question. "No," I replied. "I think I brought what little I need that you didn't supply. You?"

Shizuru smiled at my acknowledging that she was giving me more than just a couch, as well as asking about her needs. I wonder if she realized how much she was giving me those nights. I know it took me until a long while afterwards to realize all of it.

"No," she answered, "I'm also well enough supplied."

Back at Shizuru's apartment we bathed and spent the rest of the evening chatting. We wondered how Mikoto was getting on with Reito and family, given that her visit to them had prompted my staying here. Shizuru was better at speculating on this, maybe because she knows Reito better, maybe because she's a better student of human nature, but really just because she's Shizuru.

By unspoken agreement we put off watching the last episode _Orange Days_. Friends, school and the neighborhood seemed safer topics to discuss as well.

Shizuru yawned, then I did, and we decided it was time to turn in. Shizuru headed to her bedroom and I set up the couch for sleeping.

I slept well enough, but curiously, not as well as I had the first night of my stay here. Logic said having the whole couch to myself to sprawl over should have made this night more restful. But, of course, logic had nothing to do with it. It was months before I figured that one out, though.

.

Next morning, Shizuru managed to make it into the kitchen and get out the teakettle before I woke up and made it over to join her. That was the only difference from our normal routine of making and eating breakfast together.

I'm sufficiently not a morning person that doing this on autopilot was probably helpful to me, but why did it feel so right to be sitting here eating breakfast like this. My brain was in no condition to ponder that question, but the breakfast was enjoyable and surely did me good as well. It looked like Shizuru enjoyed it as much as I did. Or maybe more.

After we had washed and put away the breakfast dishes, Shizuru looked at me and asked, "Are you interested in the last episode of _Orange Days_?" Her voice grew quiet and hesitant, as if she was unsure herself. "I am if you are."

"Sure, why not," I answered and led the way toward the TV.

I'm glad we waited 'til this morning instead of watching this episode last night. There was a lot in it, and I think it touched both of us more strongly than we might have expected.

At the end, Kai and Sae finally got back together. The way they teased each other felt good. Yeah, there are times when I find I like a certain someones teasing, too. Kai then asked, "Why don't we start again from here? The two of us, one more time, ...together."

 _Is that what we are doing? Is that what I want? If we are starting over after the Carnival, what do I want to do different?_

Sae said "yes" with a smile, and wrapped Kai in a strong embrace.

Maybe what I want to do different is to no longer keep Shizuru at arm's length. No, there's no "maybe" there. Her company feels too ...right. ...but how close should I let her? I had no answer then.

Apparently this scene didn't hit just me. I noticed tears begin to run down Shizuru's lovely cheeks.

What should I do? What was I ready to do? Did I even know my own mind?

One thing was certain, I do _not_ like seeing Shizuru hurting. I will do anything to ease her pain. I will do anything to keep her from hurting. But I was scared and uncertain, so I did less than I might.

I took one corner of the soft blanket over us and handed it to her, holding it near her teary face.

We both knew she could have picked up that corner herself, but I knew she would understand there was more behind that gesture than saving her that trouble. She would understand there was comfort and feeling behind it. In fact, she probably understood—or at least could put words to—those feelings better than I could myself. I'm certainly failing at that now. Why does it feel good to be an open book to her like that?

Shizuru took the blanket and daubed her face with it, then kept on drying it as her flow of tears redoubled.

It seems that she _did_ understand and was grateful for my help, and the thoughts behind it. I wonder what my subconscious was thinking then. I could tell tell her tears sprang from deep emotion, and that emotion was neither pain nor sadness. Did I just make her happy? I hoped so.

I half noticed Shizuru use the blanket again for the very last scene, when Sae saw Kai off to school as part of their simple, ordinary life together. Why did that scene make my own heart clench with longing?

We both sat there on the couch, each absorbed in our own silent thought. I had a lot to think about. Shizuru glanced at me and I grinned back at her. I didn't yet want to talk about _Orange Days_ and what gave it such an impact. I needed to understand what that impact actually was before I could. She was all right with that. Was I ready to acknowledge the feelings that this show brought out in her? Was I ready to accept them? Thankfully, I didn't have to answer that today either, nor was she going to push me to.

.

So we talked about other things for the rest of the morning, or just enjoyed each other's quiet company.

My hunger and my cell phone went off at the same time. The phone was Mai. She thanked me for helping with Mikoto and invited us to Linden Baum for lunch. That could also solve the call of hunger.

"It's Mai," I explained to Shizuru. "She's inviting us to Linden Baum. She's working the lunch shift. You wanna go?"

I saw a brief flash of interpersonal calculus go through Shizuru's mind before she smiled and answered, "Sure."

"We'll see you there," I told Mai.

.

As we headed over to Linden Baum, I realized that this had turned into the best New Year's I'd had since ...well, probably ever. There was no way the coming year could live up to this beginning ...but I hoped it would make a valiant effort.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
 _Ozōni_ is a traditional soup made for New Year's. There are many variants, the one constant being the _mochi_ (glutenous rice cakes) in it (except in some isolated areas where rice isn't much grown). Shizuru's version is a simple white _miso_ broth with carrot and daikon complementing the _mochi_.

Daikon are the long, mild white radishes common in Japanese cooking. In addition to simmering like Shizuru does here, it is frequently pickled. The yellow _takuan_ pickles are one familiar form.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
For more information on _Orange Days_ , see the note at the end of Chapter 7: "Second Sleepover". I enjoyed the series myself, so I decided to gift the watching to Natsuki and Shizuru, as I think it fits with their story as well. Here's hoping you think it works, too.

.

Following the tradition in writing about places like Otome, the restaurant Natsuki and Shizuru go to in this chapter, Momo, is also a real place. It serves what Natsuki and Shizuru had, and I also enjoy eating here.


	11. Chapter 11: An Awkward Confesson

**Author's Note:**  
Thank you all for continuing to read Natsuki's side of "their story." It's been interesting writing to find out how Natsuki thinks of and reacts to the events bringing her closer to Shizuru. Hopefully you've enjoyed seeing Natsuki's side of things as well.

Watching _Orange Days_ did nudge the thinking of Natsuki as well as Shizuru, which goes to show they've both been thinking about their relationship, at least subconsciously. Natsuki is still trying to figure out _how_ to even do so, as she finds herself floundering in a sea of unfamiliar thoughts and emotions. An interpersonal relationship like this really is uncharted territory for her. So, while _Orange Days_ didn't single-handedly tip her into re-thinking their relationship, it certainly helped crystallize her thoughts.

Here we another case of Natsuki in uncharted territory. Please let me know what you think.

.

 **Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 11**

 **An Awkward Confession**

* * *

School started back up, as usual, after the winter break.

The teachers mostly concentrated on the seniors, as this was the season for college applications. Their entrance exams would be coming soon, too.

Shizuru still wanted me to come over and study together, so I agreed to. I enjoyed that, and her exam grades last month said I didn't need to worry about interfering with her studies.

.

The morning of that first Friday back at school, a stockily built guy from Mai's class caught me staring out the window.

"Um, Kuga-san, excuse me."

 _Huh? You talking to me?_ OK, given he used my name, that answer was obvious. But what did he want?

"Yes?"

I tilted my head quizzically. Most guys ...well, most people knew to avoid me unless it was really necessary.

"Um, Kuga-san... How about going to a movie this weekend?"

 _Wait, what!?_

I guess the confusion on my face prompted him to continue.

"Will you go out with me?" he asked. "I've been in love with you for a while, and you're really beautiful."

He was asking me out?! What? Why? _...No!_

"No thank you," I answered.

Now why did that come out sounding half like Shizuru's polite firmness? I guess I lacked her skill with words and was more polite than firm, as he continued.

"But I think we could have fun together..."

"No."

That was more my old, cold style. Why didn't I respond like this at first? Good grief, was I becoming "a nice person"? Did I want that? I also felt my muscles move to a more combat ready stance.

His face fell.

Maybe he had heard of what had happened to Takeda.

"Sorry," he said and quickly walked away.

.

My mind was unsettled the rest of the morning. Why had Yamakura (I finally remembered his name) asked me out? Why did it bother me that he had?

In the past, I would have driven him off with an icy cold response, or maybe even literally beaten him away. Normally my reputation for that kept guys from even trying to ask. Takeda was the exception there, and I had to resort to the physical method with him sometimes.

Thankfully Takeda seems to have mostly accepted that letter I sent him last year. Maybe he was just too surprised to get a letter from me. I had simply apologized, saying I couldn't return his feelings because I needed to accept someone else's: I didn't say whose. Back then, I don't think I consciously knew either, and if I asked myself would probably have answered it was a convenient fiction to make him go away. I now wonder how much my subconscious understood back then.

But, why was Yamakura interested in me? And why did it bother me?

I didn't like this feeling of uncertainty mixed with irritation.

.

Lunchtime came. I took the _bento_ Mai made me and went in search of answers to my uncertainty.

Yeah, I went looking for Shizuru. Why did my mind instantly take me to her as the one to talk this over with? Yeah.

I found her leaving the restroom. Would it be all right to ask her?

"Hey. You doing anything for lunch?" I asked. "I've... I... um, if you aren't, I'd like to have lunch with you."

"With you, Natsuki? Of course." She accompanied her answer with a smile that somehow already made me feel less unsettled.

 _Oh, good._

But this was not a conversation I wanted to share with everyone.

Shizuru must have seen something of that in my face, for she continued, "I doubt Kikukawa-han will begrudge us the use of the new Student Council Room,"

 _I hope so. That seems like a private spot._

It would make a nice private lunch room for us, even though Shizuru was no longer Student Council President. I hoped that Yukino would agree.

She did, and left Shizuru and I alone together in the room. Did she understand something about Shizuru and me that I didn't even, yet.

.

We sat down and took out our lunches. Shizuru poured tea for both of us, and thanked me for joining her for lunch. She didn't ask why I wanted to eat with her, giving me as much time as I needed on that.

I gathered my courage and began, telling Shizuru that I needed someone to talk to and that she was the first person who came to mind.

That surprised her.

I told her of Yamakura's asking me out. I didn't know where to go beyond those facts, so I filled my mouth with my lunch instead.

"Oh my. Thank you for trusting me enough to talk this over." Shizuru's smile said she was honored, and that she felt my simple trust really was an honor. She then helped me along by asking how I felt about this confession and Yamakura.

I looked out the window to gather my thoughts. Often Shizuru will calm me, but somehow this was not that time. "I don't know," I answered, "confused? worried?"

She teased me about being attractive, then instantly looked like she regretted bringing teasing into this discussion and continued in a more serious vein, asking if I felt happy or complimented.

Nope.

I hadn't thought about my reaction, merely what Yamakura was after. _Thanks, Shizuru. That question helps._ I pondered for a bit.

Yamakura made me feel neither happy nor complimented, and I told Shizuru that. Then I realized what she had _not_ asked.

"You never asked me how I answered him."

Shizuru wasn't going to ask, but if I wanted to volunteer the information...

"I turned him down," I told her.

Why was it a relief to tell her that? Was it that I was glad I had? Did I see some sign of approval, or possibly even happiness in her face as I said that.

She asked if I was worried whether that was the right answer to give.

 _Yeah, I am._ I nodded. I didn't want to be cruel, but dating him didn't sound appealing.

She told me I'd done the right thing, and asked if I wanted to talk about how I felt about him.

"He's a guy."

I think she was as surprised by that simple, complete answer as I was.

 _Does that mean I'm not attracted to men at all? Am I asexual? Could I be a lesbian? I should say something more._ "I don't know," I said out loud. "I guess I'm not interested in spending time with some leering guy who just thinks I'm good looking."

Well, that was interesting. Where did that phrasing come from?

"Yet you specifically asked to have lunch with a leering girl who thinks you're good looking." Shizuru responded. That seemed to slip out past her usual airtight filters.

"But you're different!" was my instant response. Apparently my filters were down too. Why did it feel like with this answer, I was defending Shizuru from a part of herself she feared?

"Really?" was all a stunned Shizuru could reply.

I nodded, having no words.

We just looked at each other silently for a while. Shizuru didn't rebuild her mask that surprise had blown away, and I can't dissemble in front of her. Confusion began to grow on her unguarded face, and I knew it was my responsibility to try to clear it up.

"You've always been there and cared for me," I explained. "I don't feel like you're trying to take something from me or—" I skidded to a halt as I realized one way I might answer the question I posed to myself earlier. I could ask Shizuru's help with that too. "Have you ever been attracted to a guy? What's it like?"

She stared at me, poleaxed. Apparently that question was not what she expected. Admittedly, the thought process that brought me to it wasn't completely clear to me either.

Her smile grew softer and she answered, "No, I'm sorry. I never have, Natsuki. I can play the part at times when it's required, but I never really have. Women..." She looked down at the teacup she was holding. "Women, yes. I... Women are lovely. There are some I just feel attracted to: I also want to hold and hug them, and yes, more. ...Men? Some might be interesting to talk to as friends, but that's about it."

"I see." That did make sense to me. "I understand what you're saying about men. I've had few enough friends as it is," I concluded, "but I see."

I continued thinking about Shizuru's answer. Yes, I've had friends before, and Mai probably even counts as a close friend, but somehow Shizuru felt like more. I wasn't ready to say that about anyone else, man or woman, but Shizuru...

 _Shizuru, can you help me understand this... understand myself?_

It looked like she understood something of my silent plea, as she replied, "I suppose I may not be the right person to ask about love. After all, no-one would say that I've had a `normal' experience with it."

I smiled at her self-deprecation. "You've always been much better than just _normal_." I told her.

As worthwhile as this self-discovery was becoming, it still didn't answer the immediate problem I came to lunch with, so I asked, "But how should I act toward Yamakura the next time I see him?"

Shizuru grinned and said I didn't have to treat everyone as forcefully as Takeda.

Well, OK. All men _might_ not be as insensitive as he is either. But my experience with Dad hadn't exactly given me a high opinion of men. Takeda certainly did seem to need having "No!" beaten into him more than once.

Shizuru expanded on her answer with more detail and wisdom, ending with, "Does that help?"

"Yes. Thanks Shizuru," Her words did help to clear my thoughts. I wouldn't have thought to just treat it as a compliment. I was also glad she said I could drop it since I'd already turned him down. I could continue being my normal, curt self. Something still bothered me so I asked what to do if Yamakura, or someone else, asked again.

"Then you can turn him down again, Natsuki. That is, unless you decide you don't want to do that."

 _As if I would ever._

Whatever my face showed when I thought that made Shizuru smile. And that smile turned into a grin when she said I could be "more forceful" if a guy kept asking.

I had to smile back. I guess I was happy that I still had the "forceful response" to fall back on if needed.

Our smiles turned to laughter, and we finished our lunch together in good humor. Laughing together with Shizuru feels good, and she really had helped me begin to sort out my dilemma here. I'm pretty sure she was willing to help next time I had a problem like this too.

Yeah, this had been a good lunch. I hope Shizuru enjoyed it too.

.

I saw Yukino again as I was returning to my classroom.

"Yukino-san, thank you for giving us the loan of your Student Council Room."

"You're very welcome," she replied, and adjusted her glasses like she always does to buy time to think. "It seems that some of Fujino-san's manners are rubbing off on you."

I had no answer to that. For that matter, how _should_ I react? I continued on to my classroom, pondering that question. But the more I thought about it, the better Yukino's words made me feel. "Fujino-san's manners are rubbing off on you." That really was a compliment. I hadn't been trying to copy them, but I guess it goes to show how important she had become in my life, and what importance I placed on her opinions and values.


	12. Chapter 12: Secrets Shared

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 12**

 **Secrets Shared**

* * *

A month later, I lay in my bed, thinking instead of falling asleep.

Tomorrow was Mother's birthday. I always visited that piece of coastline where we had been forced off the road and where she (and Duran) had died. As the sun set over the ocean, I would tell her I was doing OK, that I remembered her, and how my quest for revenge was going.

But this was the first time this anniversary had come around since John Smith told me more about her. He had said that she had sold me to the Searrs Foundation and that trip was to deliver me to them; I was just a commodity to be sold.

That hurt. That _really_ hurt.

In hindsight, my doubt of her love cost me my abilities as a HiME, until I discovered how much Shizuru meant to me. It also left me vulnerable to Nao's attack. And _that_ led to Shizuru revealing herself, ...some other things, and unfortunately, her madness. Thankfully she seemed a _lot_ better now. I think I might even helped some talking with her that first lunch we had at Otome.

But how should I handle Mother's birthday? Was I still upset at her for selling me? Should I continue my anniversary ritual? What should I do?

I probably should tell Mother that my quest to avenge her has been achieved. Maybe I should tell her how Shizuru was the one who accomplished a big part of that revenge. I now saw that Shizuru did much of that _for me._ Even in her madness, I was important to her.

Thinking of Shizuru and our first lunch at Otome made me wonder if she could help me. Did I need help? Well, I certainly was having trouble deciding what to do, and tomorrow was another of our normal study times together. Even though today was Saturday, we didn't anything, as Shizuru had another formal tea party at the Director's Mansion.

I could talk to Shizuru tomorrow, and she would want to help me. But how? I would continue with our normal study session, and play the rest by ear. I could always leave early to visit Mother ...or not.

Somehow just knowing that I would talk this over with Shizuru tomorrow let me fall asleep normally. I would have expected worries about this to keep me up most of the night, but they didn't.

Hmm...

ooo OOO ooo

Next morning I awoke and packed up my history and math books, as I needed to work on both of those subjects. I would take my bike to Shizuru's today. I'd need it if I was going to head out to visit Mother.

As I rode over to Shizuru's, I thought that today's slightly warmer weather would be even more of a benefit out by the ocean. And if I brought Shizuru along, she wouldn't freeze.

Shizuru welcomed me with her normal happy smile, the one she seems to save for me alone. We spread our books out on her table and fell to our usual studying. She was reading and taking notes for her independent study in Japanese Literature. I tried to concentrate on my math, but today's worries meant I was having extra trouble getting the equations to work out.

I must have been scowling at my notebook, for Shizuru hesitantly asked if something was bothering me and if she could help. "You really helped me by listening to me talk things over, and if I could..."

"Shizuru, you're right, there is something bothering me." A bit of fearful regret crossed her face, so I quickly moved to reassure her. "Don't worry, it doesn't have anything to do with you." That eased her fear, but not her concern. She really does want to help me. Uncertainty, fear, and hope had a battle in my head as I briefly pondered things. "Maybe talking would help," I concluded. "I don't know."

"If you want to talk, Natsuki, I would be more than happy to listen to whatever your lovely voice has to say."

That made me blush, but was it her compliment on my voice or the depth of caring behind her offer which brought the blood to my cheeks. And if she cared that much, I really should trust her enough to try. After all, hadn't I planned to talk to her about this anyway?

"OK. It may not help, but it's annoying feeling like this. So if you're willing to try..."

"For you? Of course,"

I raised one eyebrow at Shizuru's answer. How did I feel about that qualifier she started with? I wasn't sure, nor was I sure how I _should_ feel. I was almost glad to be special to her like this, but that was not the question most strongly demanding an answer today. What was important right now was that she wanted to help.

I remembered how that first lunch at Otome seemed to help Shizuru. Maybe that was the answer. It was almost lunchtime, and we could come back here to finish studying afterwards. Maybe the break itself would be good for me.

I suggested talking over lunch. "Since you're trying to help, my treat."

Shizuru loved the idea, and I believe my paying was the least of the reasons. She was unquestionably happy, but restrained herself.

"Shall we go to Otome again?" she suggested. "It seems we're developing a tradition there."

OK, so my mind wasn't the only one running down that track. I'm not complaining.

"We seem to," I agreed. "That's fine."

Yeah, maybe more than fine. I hope she is effective at helping as she is willing.

ooo OOO ooo

We sat down and ordered. Shizuru repeated her offer to listen and help, the apologized for bringing up painful memories.

Yes, they were painful, but that wasn't her fault, and I told her so.

She told me she was here to listen, not make me worry. As if that just telling me not to worry could make me stop. Amazingly, it did seem to help.

I gathered the courage I found in Shizuru's eyes and began telling of Mother's work at the lab in Mihoshi, what she seemed to have discovered, and that last mad drive with Mother up the coastal road.

"...I woke up days later in the hospital. Mother was dead; so was Duran."

I felt myself start to cry as I told how Mother had sold me.

Shizuru reached out and took my hand as I told this, and gave it a gentle, supportive squeeze as I asked the world, "...Mother, why would you sell me?"

She not only held my hand for comfort and support, she also dried my tears with her handkerchief. And what a help she was. Perhaps her simple presence and wish to help did the most for me.

After a bit, Shizuru was moved to try to help more. She asked how I knew mother was selling me and how I found out.

That didn't feel like prying, nor criticism. I really did feel supported by her desire to help.

I tightened my grip on her hand to try to pull the strength from her that she was offering. I hope I didn't actually hurt her, but I realize now how strong my grip was. And I also felt that strong of a support from her. While I gathered my thoughts and my courage, I took her handkerchief with my other hand and finished wiping the tears from my face. Shizuru really did want to help me; she would do anything to support me, Her hand and her face told me she would be here for me—that I was not alone.

Once I had gathered what courage I could—most of it from Shizuru—I took a sip of tea and told her how John Smith had told me of this, and what I'd found from the money trail in my investigations. More than once I gripped her hand to get me over painful parts.

It felt good to be able to tell her this, to share this with her. Was I able to help her like this that first lunch here? _Please, Shizuru, whatever you can do... I trust you to help me._

Shizuru added a few comments on this. I saw understanding in her eyes, and her words confirmed that she really did understand. She was able to put my chaotic thoughts into clear sentences, even some I hadn't spoken of, and she made some connections I hadn't been able to—likely because I was too close to my problem.

What Mother's feelings for me were was the really important point. Even though we can't know them for certain now, we could make some educated guesses. Shizuru pointed out that Mother was probably worried for me and maybe was trying to protect me after discovering more about the HiME. Painful experience colored her voice when she declared, "I _know_ that we do not think as clearly when someone we love is threatened." I felt that I was able to give her the strength to face that memory, and I was really glad I could. That pain gave authority to her conclusion: "Your mother must have felt the same: she loved you and faced a terrible dilemma."

I hadn't looked at things that way, and what Shizuru said made sense. Maybe she was just putting the best light on things to try to help me, but I couldn't prove her wrong. I probably also shouldn't cling to pain and despair and reject this hope she gave me. But doubt still poked at me.

So I shared that doubt, pointing out that John Smith said I was being sold.

"Did you ever consider if Mr. Smith was telling you the whole truth or why he told you what he did?" She added that Mother might have lied to him, too, trying to save me.

No, I hadn't thought of that. Why should I believe someone who demonstrably did not have my best interests at heart?

Shizuru reinforced that question pointing out that John Smith was likely trying to manipulate me with that information, like he manipulated so many others for his, and Searrs, schemes.

I saw anger flicker behind Shizuru's eyes, probably embers of that same fire that burns against _any_ who would do me wrong. I know she hates—and even fears—the daemon of that anger, so I kept a hold of her hand, hoping I would help in her battle against her inner daemons.

"Maybe you're right," I told her, and the more I think about it, the more I think she is.

It seemed my words helped Shizuru. It felt good to be able to return a little of the help she was giving me. But I could do more.

"Shizuru, I keep telling you not to worry about what happened during the Festival. We were all manipulated back then, so we shouldn't try to take other's guilt for our own."

She smiled back. A weak, faint smile, but also a totally real one. "Natsuki, maybe I should tell you the same thing," she replied.

Yeah, she had a point there. Neither one of us is entirely whole, both of us need help, and it seems we are able to help each other.

"Maybe I should let you," I answered, then took a breath and promised, "I'll try to listen."

She squeezed my hand in entreaty. "Please." She smiled up at me, faintly but sincere. "Let's try together."

I nodded and returned her smile as I promised myself to try. Why was it that the together part of this promise felt so good... so... right? I should do more than just nod, though.

"I should try to focus on what you said," I told Shizuru. "The important thing is that that mother did love me. Sakomizu-sensei also told me that she did. And if that's true, maybe the rest doesn't really matter."

"Yes, I think love really is the important part."

Shizuru blushed after she said that. I'll bet she was worried that I would interpret her words as selfishly being about her own love for me rather than Mother's. _No, Shizuru. I know you're talking about Mother's love._ She might also have been talking about her own love—Shizuru is so good she can talk about two things with one sentence—but it was generosity and caring that filled her words, not selfishness. And as I thought on it, I found that Shizuru's love for me wasn't something I wanted to avoid thinking of.

I nodded in agreement, and began to smile as I felt these worries begin to lessen.

Shizuru's smile also grew bright in return. We both seemed to be feeling better. Shizuru had _definitely_ helped me, and it looked like she enjoyed doing so.

My meal seemed to taste even better now. It was the exact same bowl as before, but I guess all food is better without the condiment of pain and worry. I easily finished the whole bowl. Shizuru did too.

When we had both finished, we agreed it was time to get back to studding. I payed for both our meals on the way out, just like I promised.

Shizuru said, "Thank you," as she held the restaurant door for me. I could tell from her expression that she was thanking me for more than just buying lunch. _You're welcome, Shizuru._ I still think she did more for me than I did for her, but if she was happy...


	13. Chapter 13: Seaside Introduction

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 13**

 **Seaside Introduction**

* * *

After returning to Shizuru's, my mind was made up.

I was glad I kept my spare helmet in the cargo pod on my bike. Keeping it there was easier than trying to squeeze one more thing into Mai and Mikoto's dorm room where I was staying. I also found it convenient if Shizuru and I wanted to ride anywhere. I guess that would be another reason to keep it there. Yeah, I know, my subconscious would probably swap the priority of those reasons.

"Shizuru, would you like to go for a ride this afternoon?" I asked.

"Of course," she answered, and her smile said she really liked being asked. I saw a hint of wondering cross her face about where we might be going, but she didn't ask. I decided that if she didn't ask, I wouldn't mention our destination either. Maybe I'd have the courage to get all the explanation done at once, there.

"Let me change into something more suitable," she added

I nodded, and watched as she got up and headed back to her room. Yes, the full skirt she was wearing would not do so well in the wind, astride my bike. But it does look good on her.

While she was changing, I cleaned up the table, and washed her tea service. I knew she didn't like leaving dirty things around, and this was something I could do with my hands while my mind continued to spin in circles about both Mother and Shizuru.

I was just putting the cups away when Shizuru returned, wearing a nice pair of jeans. Those would work better on the bike. Her smile of thanks when she saw me finishing the clean-up made me doubly glad I had done it.

"You ready?" I asked.

She happily agreed, and we headed out the door.

.

I pushed my bike out and handed Shizuru the spare helmet. She put it on without question and got on behind me.

"Hold on tight," I told her.

I felt her put her arms around my waist, gently and hesitantly at first, then more tightly when I didn't flinch. Looking back, I realize I didn't even have to suppress any inclination to flinch. In fact, I found I quite liked the feeling of her holding me like this. I said nothing, just rode off, out of the neighborhood and through town.

I stopped at the florist on the way out of town, explaining, "I need to pick up something here."

Shizuru followed me without comment, as I bought my usual bouquet of lilies and returned to my bike.

We headed out of town. Shizuru continued holding on tightly while I enjoyed the feeling, though I was having trouble figuring out why. On the other hand, figuring out why I enjoyed being held wasn't a priority that day ...unless it might help me figure out the things about Mother going through my head. Only later did I realize how it might.

My thoughts returned from Mother to Shizuru when she shifted to ease a cramp or the like. I hoped my bike wasn't uncomfortable. I really hoped sitting behind me like this felt good to her too. She had certainly enjoyed hugging me from behind in past years, judging by the frequency she did so.

My worries about Mother returned as we arrived where she had driven us off the road to her death in the ocean below. I parked my bike on the pull-off, and Shizuru and I dismounted. I took the lilies over to the guardrail and stood there, holding them and looking at the ocean for a little, then threw them into the water, knelt and silently put my hands together in prayer.

Normally I have some words for Mother, but none came to me. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to tell her. What did I feel about her right now? What should I say about how I was doing? In fact, how _was_ I doing? What important had happened in my life this past year? It should have been a sign to me that fulfilling the vengeance against her murderers was not automatically on the top of my mental list. In fact, I didn't even think of it then.

I got back up without having really said anything, even silently, and looked over at Shizuru watching me. I probably owed her an explanation for why I'd brought her here. Her expression was one of caring, patient curiosity.

"Thank you for bringing me here, Natsuki," she said when she noticed me get up. "The sunset is beautiful, but it looks like you came here to do more than just watch the sun go down."

 _Yes, I really ought to tell her._ I gathered my courage to say what I had never before told anyone, and was surprised how little I needed to gather.

"Yeah." I'm sure I was blushing. "I... I try to come here every year on this day, my mother's birthday. This is the cliff where she drove us off the road and died. I want her to know I still remember her and that I'm doing all right. And I..." _Come on, Natsuki. Spit it out._ "I wanted you to know too," I concluded.

There, I said it, even if that last was a bit quiet. And it did feel better telling her, as if sharing this knowledge made it somehow easier to bear. Shizuru's expression told me this sharing was a joy to her, not a burden, especially my wanting her to know.

"Thank you for sharing this with me," she said, then confirmed my reading of her expression. "It means a lot that you've told me this about your past and your mother: that you trust me enough to share this with me."

Good! This did mean something to Shizuru, something special and important. She seemed happy share this secret, ...or maybe happy to help me carry its burden.

 _Thank you, Shizuru._

I should let her know, but I knew those words wouldn't come.

But...

 _Then_ it came to me. _This_ was something significant for me this year. Mother should know. And if I told Mother out loud, Shizuru would also hear and understand. I think I can get those words out without dying of embarrassment. That was the answer.

I took Shizuru's hand and led her to the guardrail. As we both looked out over the ocean, I once more drew strength from her grasp.

"Mother," I said, "This is Shizuru. I wish you could have met her. She's..." What is she to me? What should I tell mother? Shizuru's hand in mine helped, and I could continue. "She means more to me than anyone else in the world. She's kind, and caring, and beautiful, and..." _Keep going Natsuki, tell what she's done for you._ "She helped me to see there is more to life than vengeance: there is friendship and trust and hope. She saved my life, and she... she..." _You can say it, Natsuki._ "She loves me."

"Natsuki." Shizuru said after I finished.

She has always said my name as if it were precious to her, but never have I heard her put so much of herself into it as that time.

"Natsuki!" she said again. Her eyes were overflowing with tears.

"Thank you, Natsuki."

I couldn't say anything. No words would come. None were needed.

We just stood there, holding each others hands and looking into each other's eyes.

I'm sure everything was blurry for Shizuru given the tears pouring from her eyes, but looking into those beautiful crimson eyes, I could tell she was at peace, happy, and fulfilled. Her tears were not of pain or loss. No, what had happened was something she had ordered herself never to hope for. With a few honest words, I had given her this gift. Her gazing back into my eyes told me how much this meant to her.

I continued looking into Shizuru's eyes, and she into mine. She wore no mask: I saw her real, honest face. More than her true face, looking into her eyes I saw her very soul, and throughout her soul ran the love of me I had just told Mother. I felt her looking back at me, and opened my soul for to her to see.

 _Look deeply, Shizuru. Look and see all of me, all that I am, all of my secrets._ Somehow I felt I no longer needed—or even had—those thick ice-walls of privacy between us, those walls I had built between me and all the rest of the world. _Whatever you see, I need not fear to show you. I know that whatever you see, whether I like that part of me or not, you will look at and judge it with love, not censure._

It was as she said over lunch, the important thing was that Mother did love me. I was slowly learning that it was also important that Shizuru loved me. What I would do with that new understanding would take time to figure out, but it was ...important.

There are those who would kill for a beautiful sunset with a beautiful woman. And instead of just enjoying it, I was trying to work to things in my own head. Yet neither Shizuru nor I would ever call that evening wasted. It was a treasure to both of us.

We kept holding hands, looking into each others eyes while the sun finished setting.

When the sun finally disappeared beneath the ocean, Shizuru commented, "We probably should get back."

"Yeah," I agreed, and led the way back to my bike.

I only realized I was still holding Shizuru's hand when I had to let go of it so we could get on the bike.

"Hold on tight," I told her once we were both seated, and she did.

We rode back up the darkening, winding road toward Fuuka. Shizuru sat behind me and held me tight. I found comfort in that closeness. We rode back toward her apartment, back to someplace that was slowly becoming something I had not felt I had in a long, long, long time, ...home.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Thanks you for continuing to stick with this story as Natsuki works through learning about herself and her emotions. Now we finally know what was going on in Natsuki's head when she brought Shizuru to the seaside and introduced her to her mother, not to mention some of what she learned and felt. Hopefully you found her development and thoughts both interesting and plausible.

Please let me know what you think. Traffic statistics say there's more than a couple of you reading this, and I'm interested in hearing from you. My muse says you wouldn't continue reading if it was no good, but she can't tell me what you might like about it. Short or long, we both _really_ appreciate your reviews and thoughts, and we look forward to them.


	14. Chapter 14: An Indirect Confession

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 14**

 **An Indirect Confession**

* * *

Monday morning they posted the results of the Fuuka University entrance exams. I almost wandered over to check them, but stopped myself. Why was going to do that? Of course I wanted to know if Shizuru was accepted, that would mean our "study times" together could continue. At least I assumed they could.

But it would be pointless for me to go check. I had been foolish enough not have not learned Shizuru's number.

Sigh.

I'd have to wait for her to tell me. I knew she would, but I didn't want to wait. I made myself wait anyway. Maybe it would do me good. ...Yeah, right.

.

I took advantage of a break between periods to stretch my legs, using the restroom as an excuse. Maybe the physical activity of walking there would help work off my impatience.

Shizuru met me in the hall. I wonder if she was planning this? I wouldn't put it past her. Did she know my schedule that well? Or did she have some special ability to sense where I was? Why did I find that possibility felt reassuring, not creepy?

"Hello, Natsuki."

Her smile strengthened my hope she had been accepted. But then again, she always greets me with a smile. I had learned a while back that these smiles she gives me are always sincere and heartfelt, not the normal mask she shows the world.

"Hey." I returned her greeting.

I couldn't contain my curiosity, so I asked, "Well?" I knew Shizuru would understand I was asking about the exams.

"I passed," she answered. "I'll be going to Fuuka University."

"Congratulations." I felt my whole face light up with happiness. "I knew you would."

And I truly felt that. Earlier, I had told her she would pass. My doubts and fears came not from a lack of faith in Shizuru's ability. Oh no. They came from my knowledge that the universe is loathe to give me anything good. And I realized that Shizuru's continued presence and company was unquestionably a good thing.

Shizuru's smile grew with mine. It seems this was the outcome both of us wanted.

ooo OOO ooo

The next day was Valentine's Day. I didn't do anything for it. That was nothing new. I've _never_ given anyone Valentine's chocolate.

Why was I even thinking about it? I had wondered if Shizuru might give me some. In years past, she had teased me about doing so, but never actually followed through with the gift. She hadn't teased me about it this year. Did that mean she would actually give me some?

I know she has the feelings to back up such a gift. If she held back, it could be because she didn't want to annoy me by pushing our relationship too much. She knew I wasn't into romantic gestures like that.

So why was I wondering if she would give me chocolate? And even more so, why was I worried she might _not?_ This was the first time I'd ever felt that way.

Hmm...

As I thought about it, I realized that both Shizuru giving me chocolate, and also her refraining from doing so, were both ways for her to show her love for me. The giving was an obvious traditional message. Her holding back was more complicated—and more Shizuru. She would be telling me that she knew I disliked romantic gestures like that, and that she loved me enough she would _not do_ something she quite wanted to, just because I would be happier if she didn't.

That is one twisted train of thought. Yes, it's complicated, just like Shizuru. Why did it come so easily to my mind, and why was I so sure her thoughts would follow that path? Maybe I understand her better than I realize.

.

It turned out that Shizuru didn't give me any Valentine's chocolate. I still don't know how I would have reacted if she had. I chose to believe she followed the train of thought I imagined. But why did that even matter to me?

ooo OOO ooo

My mind kept coming back to these thoughts for the next week.

I headed to the pool to swim laps and let my mind sift through those thoughts. I tended to swim either to work off frustration (There was plenty of that around. _Idiots!_ ) or to give myself time to think. It's good exercise, and I still wanted to keep fit even if I didn't have to stay literally "in fighting trim." It was certainly safer to let my mind wander in the pool than on my motorcycle: my brain-stem would keep me from drowning or hitting the end of the pool. Also, nobody bothers you while you're swimming (I'd be impressed if they could hold a conversation then). The school even did a reasonable job of keeping the guys from doing anything worse than mild ogling, and even tried to minimize that.

 _Wow, Haruka's actually good for something. I never would have guessed._

.

Once in the water, I let my mind wander freely down its confused tangle of paths.

Why is it that I find myself ...my life filled with feelings and emotion of late?

Yeah, during and before the Carnival I found myself filled with the desire for revenge and hatred for those who'd killed Mother. But this was different, _way_ different. I didn't want to lash out and destroy. I just was—I'm not sure, I'm not familiar with emotions, but... I guess "happiness" is the best word for what I felt filled my life. It was _not_ a familiar feeling, but I rather liked it, and wanted it to become familiar.

I did a flip turn and continued thinking.

This year, I'd even begun laughing out of sheer joy. It'd been forever (well, over a decade) since I'd done that, and it felt good. But _why_ was I happy? What was different?

A split second later it hit me ...like an express train.

 _Oh!_

I was finally starting to figure things out.

Shizuru was the answer. _She_ was what was different. _She_ the source of this happiness.

I had to tell her. But what? And how?

I wanted to thank Shizuru for all she has done for me. She's certainly done a lot, and I didn't want her to graduate without knowing how I appreciated it.

My limbs stopped and I coasted to the end of the lane.

I floated there for a minute as it came to me.

The reason Shizuru was the answer was the love she gave me ...the love I had been missing ever since Mom was killed. Yes, Shizuru's love was different, and I still didn't know what my feelings for her were, but Shizuru deserved to be thanked. Definitely.

I pushed off and resumed swimming while I pondered this new question.

My mind switched lanes from what I would tell Shizuru to pondering how to. If I tried to tell her directly, I'd be reduced to red-faced stammering before I got two words into it. She'd find that cute, but it would quite fail in the communication department.

Maybe a note?

No. My writing hand would freeze up the same way my vocal cords would. And I'd still have the problem of coming up with the right words. I doubted they would come when needed.

Stroke. Kick. Breathe. Stroke.

Words!

My mind wandered back to watching _Orange Days_ together with Shizuru at New Year's. We both enjoyed that. The show also taught me that some messages are better conveyed in ways other than words, spoken or written. I remembered the scene where Shohei gave Akane the album of the photos he took on his trip, and how he was able to speak to her through his camera, and he spoke eloquently through it.

I'm no photographer, but could I find another method? I only needed to speak to Shizuru. Maybe something traditional?

She would like that, but there was no way I could find just the right classical poem to say what I wanted. My trying that would be like a beginner at Kendo going up against Miyamoto Musashi. But the old ways are meaningful to Shizuru.

That made me think of how poetry was traditionally used back then. Heian nobles made a habit of exchanging poetry (laden with the many levels of meaning and allusion Shizuru likes).

Our Japanese Literature teacher illustrated this with some examples from Sei Shōnagon. In one, Sei told how a poem was sent attached to a spray of clover. In fact, poems were usually sent attached to some flower suitably matching the season as well as the poem's contents. My mind conveniently ignored the fact that this type of exchange of poems invariably followed a gentleman's nighttime visit to his lover.

I can see similarities between Sei and Shizuru: the two of them would either have gotten along splendidly or clashed spectacularly.

Wait! I could forget about finding a poem for Shizuru and just give flowers.

I couldn't hope for skill in choosing, much less writing poetry, but flower language... That stood a chance of working for me. I could look up that and hopefully find a flower that meant what I wanted to tell Shizuru. I know she would understand. And that unconventional, yet classical touch would also mean something to her.

Now that I think about it, I should have taken it as a sign that my brain easily slipped from Shizuru to Heian-era lover's customs ...and thought them fitting.

I swam two more laps with renewed vigor, then climbed out of the pool.

.

I showered and dressed, and headed over to the library with new-found purpose. It only took a quick search to find a book on flower language. As I looked through the pages of flowers, descriptions, and associated meanings, I realized that it was also easier for me to pick from a list than to try to come up with words on my own.

There! I found it.

"White Azaleas: I am fortunate to have your love."

And it looks like azaleas would even be season now. Lucky me!

I looked a bit further to make sure there was nothing more suitable, but this felt best. When I found that azaleas in general also include the meaning of self-restraint, that cinched the deal. I knew Shizuru was holding back for my sake (which I appreciated), and in some sense I was holding myself back because I still did not know what I wanted. Yes, azaleas were the answer.

The book went back on the shelf and I was grateful that no-one had seen me take it down or look through it. I was feeling both private and nervous about this.

A plan coalesced in my head as I walked to and ate dinner.

ooo OOO ooo

I surreptitiously bought a small vase, a suitable box, a note-card, some "Fragile, This Side Up" stickers, and stashed them all in the cargo pod of my bike. They would be safe from discovery there and also be handy when opportunity arose.

Two days later my chance came. Independent study for seniors meant Shizuru's schedule was a bit less predictable now than it had been. She had a meeting with some of the other seniors and faculty to discuss plans for the graduation ceremony, which meant she wouldn't be home this evening.

I zipped into town and bought three white azaleas. A quick stop in an out-of-the way spot let me put them in the vase, box up the whole affair, and write a quick note to go with it. I was able to get out "Yes, I do mean this. Thank you. —Natsuki" without my hand or mind freezing up.

I doubt any of Shizuru's neighbors noticed me leave this box by her apartment door. I disappeared into the evening, smiling at how my practice at sneaking around and stealthy investigation was good for more than just finding Mother's killers.

I spent the rest of the evening riding the roads in the hills near town. Riding my motorcycle was therapeutic, and it also meant nobody could ask why I was being uncharacteristically nervous. I was really worried about how Shizuru would receive my message.

Late that evening, I returned to the dorms and headed straight to bath and bed. Mai tried berating me for staying out and making her worry. She actually looked concerned.

"Sorry, Mai," I countered. "I was having such a good time out riding my bike that I lost track of time ...well, of how long it would take to get back."

"Natsuki—"

I interrupted. "Mai, I'm sorry I made you worry. I just want to go to bed now. I'm beat."

I flopped down on my bed, pulled up the futon, closed my eyes, and ignored her. After a little, I heard her walk off and quietly instruct Mikoto not to bother me. I guess the combination of apology with a bit of the old "Ice Princess Natsuki" had done the trick. I did _not_ want to talk to anyone about this yet.

My uncertainties also meant that, no matter what I pretended, I did not have a very restful night.

ooo OOO ooo

The next day, I headed over to study with Shizuru. We continued getting together to study even though she didn't have normal classes anymore.

Shizuru seemed uncharacteristically nervous when she answered the door and let me in. The vase with my azaleas was sitting in the middle of the table.

"Natsuki," she asked me, "do you know the flower language? ...You do know what white azaleas mean in flower language?"

My assumption was correct, she understood.

"Yes," I answered, "I know." I found that her understanding and simple—though I dare not say calm—acceptance brought me the tranquility to add, "I really am fortunate in having your love."

With a cry of "Natsuki!" she rounded the table and enveloped me in a tight, strong hug.

This felt surprisingly good. My subconscious smiled and nodded. Neither my conscious nor subconscious mind wanted this to stop, so I returned Shizuru's hug.

Had I ever done that before? I don't think so.

Shizuru buried her face in my shoulder. We just stood there: me silent and Shizuru quietly mumbling incoherently into my collarbone.

If this is the aftermath of telling Shizuru my thoughts, I think I can cope. I would normally find an incoherent Shizuru a bit disturbing, but if she is incoherent from this much joy—and I could tell I had just made her indescribably happy—then I don't think I mind at all. I like a happy Shizuru, and holding her here like this felt... good, right, ...some word I myself was too happy to think of.

After a while, we both loosened our embrace and looked at each other.

"Thank you, Natsuki," she said, wiping tears of joy from her eyes. "Did you actually go look up the flower language just for this? ...just for me?"

"Yeah. I'm not good with words, so I thought this might be a way to say this that you would know."

It looked like I made the right choice. It felt right. I was glad I'd told Shizuru this, and in this way. Her joy made me doubly glad I had done so. Now, if only I could figure out what my own feelings were. Then I'd have to tell that to her as well.

How I was reacting ought to have been a pretty big clue. It was at least starting to make its way through my thick skull.

"Thank you, Shizuru," I told her. "I really am glad that you love me, though it's only been in the past months that I've seen how important your love is to me. I... I don't know whether I can really love ...anyone. I've spent so much of my life focused on revenge and denying anything like love... But... but I want to stay with you, and if... could you... can you have the patience to wait for me to see if I can love you... like... like you deserve."

I was amazed I got these words out. They brought even more of a smile to Shizuru's face. And that smile made me even more glad I'd done this.

"That's all right, Natsuki," she told me. "What you've just given me is more than I ever hoped for... better than I ever deserved. I will _always_ be here for you. I do love you. I will wait as long as you need, and if you do not find love like you say, I will still be happy to be your friend, ...very happy."

And she would, too. Her patience, her acceptance, her love: those were what I wanted and needed.

The tears dripping from her chin were like drops from a melting icicle heralding the coming spring. Was this my spring? I didn't need to decide today. I felt warm and safe and free to take my time deciding what I felt. Shizuru would be there with me, waiting, accepting, never pushing. She was happy. And her love and acceptance would give me the strength to find my own heart.

With a contented sigh, Shizuru buried her face in my hair again.

We kept holding each other. Something in me never wished this to stop.

We didn't get much studying done that evening.

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
Natsuki's thoughts about Valentine's chocolate come from the Japanese tradition of women giving chocolate to the object of their affections on that day. I think it a clever marketing move by the Japanese candy industry to basically create this tradition as a way to boost sales. Japanese industry then went one better, by creating a whole new holiday, "white day" a month later for those given chocolate to reciprocate with another gift.

.

Natsuki compares her vying with Shizuru in Japanese poetry to "a beginner at Kendo going up against Miyamoto Musashi." Musashi was the premier swordsman of the Edo period. He fought over 60 duels and was never defeated. In his later years, he wrote _The Book of Five Rings_ on swordsmanship, strategy and philosophy, which is still popular and in print today. Thus, a beginner at Kendo, the modern martial art descended from traditional Japanese swordsmanship, would be hopelessly outclassed by this great master.

Natsuki may be exaggerating for emphasis, but it does show how high an opinion she has of Shizuru's facility with Classical Japanese literature.

.

Sei Shōnagon was an attendant to the Empress Teishi around 1000 AD (in the Heian era), and was renowned for her literary talent and sharp wit. Her _Pillow Book_ is a collection of lists, musings and observations by Sei which gives us a vivid picture of Heian courtly life. Some have even referred to it as "the first blog," for it shares some of those characteristics (though is far better written than most blogs). It spawned the _zuihitsu_ literary genre in Japan, which includes Kenkō's _Essays in Idleness_ that Shizuru quoted multiple times in **Rebirth of Love**.

The following is probably the section from the _Pillow Book_ that Natsuki's teacher used to illustrate this form of morning-after Heian poetry exchange.

.

 _"While all this is afoot, the lady's original lover has been busy with his own next-morning letter, and now, before anyone expected it, the messenger arrives at his lady's house. The letter is attached to a spray of clover, which is still damp with dew, and the paper gives off a delighted aroma of incense."_

.


	15. Chapter 15: Graduation Party

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 15**

 **Graduation Party**

* * *

A couple weeks later came graduation. I wandered the school grounds after the ceremony and found Sakomizu working in one of the flower beds near school. We reminisced for a bit about the Carnival, and when he asked what my plans were, I told him I needed to take some time for introspection. I really did. A lot had changed in my life this past year, and I needed to figure out what it meant, and what I should do.

But, he played the role of annoying teacher and brought up all my absences. Yes, I had skipped out a bunch to work revenge for mom and fight orphans. He should know why I did. He supported me then. But he betrayed me, saying that I'd have to repeat my freshman year unless I took a bunch of extra classes. Bother!

I did _not_ want to do repeat a year. That would put me _another_ year behind. And extra classes... I think those would be even worse than repeating a year. I also didn't see why I would need to do this. School is for learning things, and I'd made sure I knew the subject matter and did well enough on the tests. But apparently some of the faculty thought simple attendance, regardless of what was learned, was what controlled advancement. Or were they so insecure that they needed to be obeyed, merely for the sake of being obeyed and regardless of what made sense, in order for them to feel OK.

I asked if Sakomizu could "do something" about that. After all, he had supported me in the past on things that took me from the classroom, so he should now. Right?

He didn't buy it.

Was he just messing with me, or was that an opening negotiation position? Why didn't he get it? What would I have to do not to have to repeat year?

Shizuru interrupted things by appearing just then. She dropped her diploma and said, "Ah, repeating a year is nice. Maybe I shouldn't graduate."

"Shizuru!" _No! Don't throw it away. You have to graduate._

Why was I so _personally_ bothered by Shizuru's suggestion? Yes, she shouldn't throw away her graduation, but that was for her sake not mine. ...Or was it? Maybe not entirely. She might be even more important to me than I realize.

Shizuru picked her diploma back up and faced Sakomizu. Then, with a couple calm quiet questions, she got Sakomizu to agree that I didn't need to repeat a year of school or the like. Yes, he said I would need to keep my grades up and do better attending class. I doubt I could negotiate better than Shizuru just had. Her calm regal tone had convinced Sakomizu, just as it convinced most, regardless of their age, that following her suggestion was the path of wisdom.

Shizuru implied as much by agreeing, "Thank you sensei."

I bowed in agreement as well.

Shizuru turned to walk off, and I followed her. Neither of us wanted Sakomizu to change his mind. But, why had he agreed? I suppose Shizuru's vouching that I would hold up my half of the bargain helped (maybe a lot), but...

For that matter, why did Shizuru do this much for me? No, I knew how much she'd do for me, I just didn't want to admit it. She did this because she loved me. Why did _that_ feel so good? Yes, I'd said I appreciated her love, but this felt like more.

But I had to make sure of one other thing.

"Shizuru, thank you but... you're still going to graduate, aren't you?"

I had to make sure this really was only teasing. Normally I find that obvious, but...

She smiled back at me. "Yes, Natsuki, I'm still graduating," she answered. "Your expressions there were so cute. I just couldn't resist."

"Shizuru!"

Yeah, I'll bet she couldn't resist. I was her favorite toy like that. I could endure. Hmm... endure wasn't quite the word. Part of me saw the attention Shizuru gave me with that teasing (which did take real knowledge of me and mental effort) and appreciated it. Why did she like teasing me like this so much. But, I realized, _I_ was the only person she teased like that. That was significant.

That was it. I knew I was special to her, and that actually felt good. This was just another, highly individual, way she showed it. That thought stopped me in my tracks.

Shizuru looked at me in surprise.

"Thank you," I told her.

"You're welcome, Natsuki," she said. "But what are you thanking me for?" I guess she wasn't able to read my mind this time.

I gave her a smile. _Thank you for seeing and asking._

"I... I finally figured out why you tease me like you do. I won't thank you for the teasing, but," I felt my cheeks heat and I quietly continued. "Thank you for the love behind it."

Those words weren't easy to say. I had trouble admitting them to myself, but Shizuru's expression made me glad I had said them. They meant a _lot_ to her. There might even have been a bit of extra color in her cheeks, but regardless of that a rare quality of thanks and joy that filled her face.

"You're welcome, Natsuki, and thank you for seeing that."

I returned her smile. It felt really good to understand Shizuru like this, and to make her this happy. Maybe I could bring this lovely expression to her face again sometime. I hope so.

ooo OOO ooo

We headed over to where Mai was holding her graduation picnic. She couldn't resist another chance to gather her friends together and cook for them.

We arrived at the blankets Mai had set out to find Mikoto swinging from the trees. Is she part monkey as well as part cat?

Mai noticed she might be wearing a bra, and Mikoto said I had given it to her.

I had, or maybe I should say we had. Shizuru and I had started talking about this after I told of Mikoto's playing with some of my lingerie collection. We figured that getting Mikoto to wear a bra could possibly make her feel (and act) a bit more mature. If so, we would _all_ benefit. That was really the only reason for her to wear one as she didn't really need the support. The odds of it helping her mature were low, but at least good enough to try. So we did. I'm not sure whether Shizuru or I thought of actually giving her one, but we definitely agreed on it.

Of course, nothing in my collection would fit, so it fell to me to buy a suitable bra and give it to Mikoto. Apparently she had missed the "and Shizuru" part when I said who it was from.

.

Mai had gathered most of us that the Carnival had brought together. Of course, some couldn't make it. Takumi was in America for his heart surgery, and Akira had naturally gone with him. Midori was off on some hair-brained adventure with a professor friend of hers. Both of them sent letters saying the were doing well (though in Midori's case "well" needed a looser interpretation).

Reito and Tate continued their bidding for Mai's attention. She still hadn't chosen one over the other. This brought teasing from Aoi about being popular. Mai agreed that love was good, but why did she ask _me_ and Mikoto for confirmation?

My simple "Yeah" in response made Shizuru quite happy.

And that somehow made me feel good and confirmed I had answered correctly. Thinking about it, I doubt anyone else would have noticed her happiness there. The change in her expression was exceedingly subtle, but it was obvious to me.

I later learned I had read her correctly. I didn't see why then, but I do now. I was still learning a lot of things. I still am. It's a lifetime of study, and well worth the time.


	16. Chapter 16: Karaoke and Cleanup

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 16**

 **Karaoke and Cleanup**

* * *

That evening, Mai bodily dragged me to her karaoke party. "If I don't, you'll probably find a way to avoid joining us," she explained.

Well, she had me there. I would never openly admit planning on ditching the party, but that was the top method in my mind for me to avoid having to put on an embarrassing costume and sing some stupid song. I had _not_ enjoyed that last time when Midori forced me.

So, my mind spun out possible methods to avoid singing now that I _was_ here. Thankfully Midori and her silly roulette wheel and box of costumes were on a different continent. I hoped Mai was interested enough in singing herself, that those of us wishing not to sing could let her do so in our stead. _I wouldn't want to deprive you of the enjoyment,_ I said mentally, rehearsing the words for future use.

We got to the classroom Mai arranged to use. She had already sent Reito and Tate to get the couches we would sit on. She got away with mostly just directing them and decorating the blackboard, and a little with the food. I guess her large chest holds some magical power over guys. I don't get it. Her chest might be a little larger than Shizuru's, but Shizuru's looks way better.

Wait! What was I thinking there?

I found myself contemplating guys thinking that Mai's chest was superior to Shizuru's with the strangest sense of mixed indignation and relief.

The room was soon set up as a reasonable approximation of a karaoke box. In addition to the couches, Mai found a real, mini karaoke machine as well as another for a light show. I guess if you're obsessed with karaoke like she is, you know where to get these things.

The rest of the gang started filtering in. Chie and Aoi were the first "guests" to arrive, followed soon by the rest. I took a spot in the middle of one of the couches, figuring that spot was inconvenient enough to also help me beg off from singing.

Interestingly enough, Shizuru was the last to arrive. I later found that was because she'd taken the chance to spend a little more time with her parents. Why did that make me feel envious? And why of Shizuru as well as her parents? I guess it's obvious now, but still...

All the seats were taken by this point, so Shizuru did her best to sneak up behind and surprise me. Well, the hug she gave me was certainly not what I was expecting. But it felt good, ...surprisingly good. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by that, given how I'd returned her hug after telling her I appreciated her love. And today I even told her how I appreciated the love behind her teasing.

I wonder if she expected an outraged reaction from me? That's likely what I would have given her in the past. Today, I simply gave her a critical glance and quietly asked, "In public?"

I think I just implied that I didn't mind her hugging me _in private_. Did I mind? Well, I knew she would like that, but what did _I_ think of it? Those words flowed out so naturally that perhaps my subconscious really did find it acceptable ...perhaps even—dare I say it—desirable.

Shizuru's smile said my response had made her very happy, and I found that made me feel oddly good.

Mikoto has too much energy to stay in one place for long, so she soon bounced up from her seat next to me to dance around the room or something. Shizuru gracefully slid into her place. Nothing against Mikoto, but Shizuru is a _much_ better seat-mate.

.

Shizuru and I sat together like this the rest of the evening. Neither of us got up to sing. I was happy to avoid that, and for Shizuru's moral support. But part of me would have liked to hear her sing. She has a beautiful voice. Maybe she'll sing me a lullaby someday.

That was an unexpected turn of thought. A lullaby from Shizuru? I'm not sure where that idea came from, or why, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.

Almost everyone else did sing, so our neighbors on the couch changed. As they did, Shizuru and I were pushed closer together. Why was I so much more conscious of Shizuru's thigh and arm touching mine than I was of Yoko's. Even when she was the one who pushed me into Shizuru.

Yes, Shizuru felt different. She _was_ different. I was intensely aware of her next to me, and I liked the feeling. I wanted it to continue.

When Yoko go up to sing, I didn't move; neither did Shizuru. It seemed she was enjoying this as much as I was. If _this_ is karaoke, then I take back everything bad I've said about it.

.

Later in the evening _that_ happened.

Shiho was predictably jealous of the attention Tate was paying to Mai. Shiho jumped to attack him, but managed to trip over Mikoto, who was bouncing around as she normally does.

At least that's what I infer happened. I wasn't paying attention to most of my surroundings. The first I noticed was of Shiho crashing into the table where she sent half the food and drink on it flying toward Shizuru and me.

My reaction? I didn't dodge or counterattack. I simply froze where I was so my body would shield Shizuru from this edible attack. Why? There was no conscious thought involved. There wasn't time for that, which means that protecting Shizuru was a pure instinctive reaction. Huh?

Shiho tried to blame Tate.

Mai was mortified.

Mikoto's face fell at this waste of food. Mai had at least trained her to consider food on the floor as "no longer edible" and thus wasted. She looked at me, dripping juice and egg-roll sauce, with shredded cabbage in my hair.

What had just happened slowly seeped into my brain as the juice soaked into my clothes.

Mikoto grabbed my hand, saying, "Natsuki, I'll take you to wash up." She proceeded to drag me out of the classroom and back to the dorms.

I was too stunned to resist. I see Mikoto does care for me. Though with her it's somewhat like having a devoted pet dog ...or in her case, cat.

We made it back to the dorms before I figured out why I was feeling out of sorts. No, it wasn't the food and drink dripping off of me, it was that I'd left Shizuru behind, without even a word.

Why did that feel so bad? Shizuru would understand. I know she does. But I didn't _want_ to.

.

Back at the dorms I headed for the shower. I might as well get ready for bed as this was pretty much the end of my evening, so I grabbed my pajamas on the way there, along with my towel and such.

I stripped out of my soiled clothes, left them in one of the baskets in the changing room, and headed into the shower proper. I sat down in front of the taps, and began to wash, first concentrating on cleaning remnants of our snacks out of my hair.

I had pretty much finished getting clean when I heard the door open. I turned around to see who was also coming to bathe.

"Shizuru!" I squawked. "What are you doing here?"

There she stood in the door, wrapped in a towel. I was completely naked, as one usually is when taking a bath.

She explained that she'd also been hit by the same spray of food which drenched me and that Mai insisted she come back to clean up.

I felt it unfortunate that the flying food had gotten her dirty as well. I regretted that I hadn't been able to shield her more completely. Why? It was reassuring that she hadn't just come stalking to stare at me naked. Or was it?

Shizuru's face showed none of the animal lust I might have feared. Admiration? Oh, yes, but nothing that made me worry for myself. She looked uncertain, even. And her body ...is beautiful. All I could do was stare at her. She saved me from going too far down that train of thought.

"May I come in?" she asked.

"Sure."

That at least got my brain moving on things other than what lay beneath her towel. Since I'd just finished washing, I got up and headed over to the tub to soak.

Shizuru's words, "Thank you, Natsuki," followed me there and eased me into the soothing water.

She shed her towel, sat down where I had been, and began to wash, starting with her hair. I tried not to stare, but my gaze kept returning to her. Yes, she looks beautiful, but why couldn't I keep my eyes away?

You'd think the reason should have been obvious to me, but no...

She finished washing and came over to the tub where I was.

"May I join you?" she asked.

"Come on in," I told her and pulled my knees up to give her extra room.

She got in gracefully, not raising the big splash Mikoto always did, and sank down into the water with a quiet, contented sigh. We both stretched our legs out next to each other and enjoyed the relaxing warmth of the water together. It must have been warmer than usual, as I felt more blood going to my cheeks. It seemed so for Shizuru as well. Yeah, the hot water had to be the reason for that.

It felt good to just sit here together. We didn't even need to talk. Shizuru didn't tease or grope me. A contented smile played across her face. I hope she was enjoying this as much as I was. But why did _I_ find this bathing so enjoyable?

Of course my mind wouldn't stop running. It kept coming back to Shizuru. She said the spray of food that drenched me had caught her as well. That meant her clothes would also be dirty. And that meant...

"Did Mai say she'd loan you some clean clothes?" I asked. "If she didn't..."

I trailed off, lacking confidence to finish my offer out loud, but trusting Shizuru to understand anyway.

"She did offer, but..."

Shizuru also trailed off. It seems that she understood my offer but was also having trouble speaking of it directly. Shizuru at a loss for words? Huh?

"Thank you," she finally concluded.

Her saying this and actually accepting my offer, however indirectly, gave me courage to continue.

"You're welcome. I—" I felt my cheeks start to heat and ducked my face in the water for a moment to camouflage my embarrassment. "I think your waist and height are closer to mine than Mai's, so... if you... think something of mine would fit better..."

That "think" was an understatement. I happened to know that our waists were exactly the same size, and that she was only a centimeter taller than I. Mai was shorter than both of us and had a smaller waist (Living with her had taught me those numbers). Truthfully, all our sizes were close enough to share close in an emergency like this. Somehow I was feeling competitive, wanting Shizuru to wear _my_ clothes. Why?

"Thank you Natsuki." Shizuru answered, breaking my train of thought. "I may well take you up on your offer."

"Go ahead," I said, smiling. This felt good, like I had just won a match, or more.

That was all the conversation we felt we needed, but I think we both enjoyed that bath together. I certainly did.

We agreed when it was time to get out without either of us needing to say a thing. We dried off in the changing room. I was still living here with Mai and Mikoto, so I just put on my pajamas. I noticed Shizuru pull on the miniskirt Mai had laid out for her. Why? Had she forgotten my offer? Was she rejecting it? ...me? Why did this feel so bad? They're only clothes.

I tried to keep any of this from showing on my face, but I lack Shizuru's skill there. Or maybe she's just that good at reading me. Something like guilt flashed across her face, and she said, "Natsuki, this seems a little tight, would you possibly...?"

All was right again with the world.

"Let me get something," I answered.

I headed back into Mai's room for the boxes under my bed, happy enough that I didn't care my hair was still dripping wet. What should I get for Shizuru? Only her outer-wear had been hit, so I didn't need to delve into my collection.

I remembered her smile when she saw me in that blue skirt at Mai's Christmas Party. That made that choice. And this soft, white cashmere sweater would go well with it. The softness would be nice to her, and a knit sweater would easily accommodate our different chest sizes. With fresh clothes in hand, I returned to the changing room.

I hoped Shizuru would like my choice. My imagination said they would look good on her, and I prayed it wouldn't play me false. It was certainly playing vividly for me.

"I hope these fit better," I said, handing Shizuru the skirt and sweater, "...and that the colors work for you."

"They look lovely," she replied. She set down the sweater and started to step into the skirt. "Let's see about the fit. And don't worry about colors: I'm just returning to my place, not going on a date." She smiled at me. "But the colors are very attractive."

She was teasing me again! Did she know I was anxious about their fit and appearance? What about my choice of colors? They did look good on her, and she ended up saying she liked them, which felt really nice. But what of her comment about a date? I instantly imagined going out with Shizuru wearing this outfit. She was putting on the sweater by this time, and it also looked good on her. The thought of a beautiful Shizuru dressed like this beside me was wonderful, and embarrassing. Kids tease each other about an indirect kiss when they share food or drink. What did that make this sharing of clothes? Something good, I hoped. I liked how the thought made me feel.

When she had finished putting on and adjusting everything, Shizuru said, "Thank you Natsuki. These do fit much better." The smile she gave me somehow made the world a better place. She continued, "I'll wash them and get them back to you..."

I saw her beginning to think of her schedule. "Don't worry," I told her. "I suspect there will be a chance to soon enough." I certainly hoped there would be more chances. I _really_ wanted to keep doing things together.

"Thank you."

Her words and smile, not to mention how she looked in my clothes and her implicit agreement that we'd continue getting together, made me feel that I was fully repaid, even if she never returned the sweater and skirt.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
My muse and I want to thank you for continuing to read Natsuki's side of their story and also for sharing your thoughts on it. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Here Natsuki gets to sit with Shizuru at karaoke, and then together in the bath. She also makes some real progress toward understanding her own feelings, most especially those about Shizuru. She's not there yet, but she's learned a lot since the Carnival. Congratulations Natsuki, keep on working at it.


	17. Chapter 17: A Season to Bloom

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 17**

 **A Season to Bloom**

* * *

The next day, I ended up aimlessly wandering the school grounds. I now think that the back of my head was hoping to find Shizuru there. I found myself in the directors garden in front of one of the flower beds.

I looked at it again and realized that it was _that_ bed. The flowers weren't in bloom yet, but it still sent my mind back to my angry middle-school days.

Back then, I was staring at the flowers in this bed, mad at their needless beauty, but mostly just mad in general. I reached out to crush one, to make it suffer as I was, when a gentle voice told me to stop.

That voice was Shizuru. Few would be surprised that I—or anyone else—obeyed her command.

That was how we first met.

I learned later that had been the moment she fell for me. I was still trying to figure out what I felt for her. And I needed to. She had just graduated, and she deserved not to be left hanging about my feelings as she made the transition to college.

Speaking of college, how would things work when she was in college. Thankfully she was staying in town to go to Fuuka University, but would she still have time for our "study sessions"? Did I want that? I was coming to see that I did. Of course I enjoy her company, but she seems to be a near constant presence in the back of my mind... or often in the front.

Maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Maybe I should listen. But what was it trying to say?

Ever since her telling me to cherish rather than crush that flower, years ago, Shizuru has done things for me, and she enjoyed doing them. Yes, she also enjoyed doing things _to_ me, but I found that as my anger dissipated, so too did my annoyance at them. She also did those things because she loved me. I was recently discovering I enjoyed being loved.

I remembered how Shizuru let me use her computer access as Student Council President for my investigations about Mother and the First District. I only recently learned that she only ran for that position so I could use the computer access she got with it. As I got to know her, I had occasionally wondered why she took on this extra work given her normal disinclination, and also why she put up with Haruka. The latter could have been she just enjoyed playing with her. She was _very_ good at baiting the volatile Haruka.

I looked back through my memory and realized how much I had enjoyed those quiet times we spent together in the Student Council room. Why had I felt relaxed enough to fall asleep in her presence? I hadn't even minded waking up with her close behind me. Why hadn't I... physically restrained her from doing that? When Takeda had tried even milder things, he ended up needing the school nurse.

More recently I had started noticing that my body would react differently around Shizuru. Why? I know I see her differently than I do anyone else, but...

Last night in the bath...

In past years, I would have expected Shizuru to jump, and hug, and tease me. And I would then have been embarrassed and outraged. But neither of us did those things. Why did I find her presence next to me at karaoke and in the bath natural ...and somehow comforting.

I would miss that.

Wait! What? Shizuru wasn't actually leaving, so why did I react like that? Maybe that was the same reason I woke up the way I had this morning. I found I had spent the whole night hugging my pillow and futon, and I felt profoundly disappointed to find they were only a pillow and futon. What?!

Did that mean what I think it did? Was I actually thinking _that?_

I sensed something behind me. Was it a hushed footstep on gravel? Regardless it was quiet enough to be almost inaudible, and even with my practice at ...stealthy operations, I wasn't sure I heard it.

But it didn't make me feel wary, or extra alert, the way such normally would. Rather, I felt reassured, in a way only Shizuru seemed able to do. Was there someone there? If so, who? Had my train of thought made me project this ...dare I say hope?

The first two questions were answered when Shizuru spoke.

"Natsuki, are you looking for something in the flower beds?"

"No," I answered, turning my head to look at her. Her smile made a few more answers fall into place in my head. "Well, maybe yes," I answered. I felt a blush start to form. _Thank you for those answers, Shizuru. I hope this blush makes you happy._ "Do you remember this flower bed?" I asked.

Her smile grew knowing.

She answered, "How could I forget?" and stepped up next to me to join me looking at the bed. "I remember a cute girl ready to crush some flowers there."

 _Shizuru, you do remember!_

I shouldn't have been surprised that Shizuru remembers, but I found the clarity of my own memory a little surprising.

"She was," I answered about myself. Since my memory still echoed with her exact words, I continued, "but now I know the flowers should instead be cherished. They're trying their best to bloom during their short life."

The depth of feeling in her expression brought clarity to my mind.

 _Thank you again, Shizuru. Thank you for helping me understand my feelings._

I held out my hand to her and concluded, "Like I'm trying to do. Thank you for teaching me that... and so much more."

She took my hand.

"This is where we first met, isn't it," she said. "You even remember what I said back then?" The quiet awe and gratitude that filled her voice warmed me and moved my clarity to decision. But to convey that decision...

I tightened my grip on her hand, savoring how good it felt.

"Yes," I answered. "Since then you've done so much for me, taught me so much... of caring, of life... of love." I looked her straight in the eye. "I don't want to lose you now that you've graduated. Please, keep teaching me. Please, I..."

I paused. How do I ask her this? ...tell her...

It was time to do something, not just think indecisive thoughts.

I let go of Shizuru's hand, took her waist in both of mine, and turned her to face me. I looked at her, hoping she would understand. Hoping I could convey everything I wanted to her.

"I love you," I declared. "I'm only starting to see how much. Please teach me of love—of your kind of love."

There. I said it. And I mean it.

It was Shizuru's turn to blush as I gathered her in my arms. It felt wonderful to hold her like this.

"Do you really mean this?" she asked, her voice hesitant. The strong Shizuru I have always known felt delicate and fragile in my arms at that moment. "Is this what _you_ want for yourself?" she continued her question. "Not for me, for yourself."

"Yes."

I have never in my life been as sure of an answer as I was of that one.

Shizuru's face shone like the sun with, love and thanks.

Her expression wiped away any last shred of doubt about my decision. It was time to do more. I wanted to do more. So I did.

I pulled Shizuru close, into a kiss. My first. She returned my kiss and my embrace. I had no experience, and we were both hesitant. We continued our kiss, growing in strength, passion, enjoyment and love. As we kissed and held each other, a cold wind came up and blew our hair together. But no wind, not even one right off the frozen tundra, could cool the warm fire of love for each other in our hearts.

We finally came up for air, and Shizuru playfully rubbed noses with me. I had to laugh for joy at this happy Shizuru, who now seemed free of the fears which had tormented her.

"Are you all right with this, Natsuki?" she asked, "With this twisted love?"

 _No, Shizuru. That's not it._

It seems that she wasn't fully free of her torments, but I could help her with this. For her, I would do anything. She should _never_ believe she's twisted and broken.

"It's not twisted, my dear." I told her, putting every ounce of conviction I could into my voice. "It is simply love." I hugged her again. "And yes, I've found I really do love you."

She held her breath, thinking, and looked to me for confirmation.

I smiled back. _Yes, Shizuru, I do really, really mean this. Your love can_ never _be twisted or wrong._

I saw wonder in her eyes, which turned to understanding and more love. And it eased _my_ heart to see her let go of a little more of her fear and pain.

"Oh Natsuki!"

Her hug tightened, and she started breathing again as tears streamed down her face. And I knew they were tears of joy, for my eyes filled with them too.

I don't know how long we held each other like that, but I didn't care about anything else in the world than my Shizuru and our love.

.

We finally relaxed our arms and returned to the world we shared with others. Shizuru wondered what we should tell our friends of our new relationship. Neither of us would question what we had, but she seemed to be leaving it to me to decide what to tell the world about us.

 _Shizuru, you have made me the happiest, the luckiest, girl in the world. What you've given me is worth any price, but I'm worried. You understand my fear... and I should say that out loud._

"I want to shout it from the top of the school: how lucky I am. But... I'm sorry, I'm also afraid of being teased about it, or worse. I guess I'm not very strong."

I saw gratitude and joy in her eyes, and a strength which had defeated many, ready to aide me. And I saw the understanding I knew was there.

"I understand. But you're stronger than you think you are. I have found society does not look kindly on my orientation, ...Or can I say our orientation?"

Is it mine too? Am I a lesbian? I guess that's the best label, though Shizuru seems to be the only person, regardless of sex, that I've ever been so attracted to. And taking that label together with her... felt good ...felt _right._ Yeah, that's the answer.

"Yes. It's mine too," I declared. I tried to convey how sure I was of that with my smile.

But I can't stop my mind spinning. It told me that the path of lesbianism is far from smooth. How would I...? _Silly Natsuki, that's obvious._

"How did you deal with others? Can you teach me?" _Yeah, that's the key._ "If you're there to help, to rely on, to love, then yes, I think I can face the world."

She would be there. She promised to be. We could _both_ find strength in our love.

"Please ask for anything," she told me. "I don't want to scare you off with how much I want to do for you, ...and sometimes it even scares me."

 _I will, Shizuru. And I now find the magnitude of your wish to help is comforting, not frightening._

"Thank you, dear," I answered aloud.

That was the second time today I called Shizuru "dear", something I had never called her before. She really has become that precious, that dear, to me. Others may be surprised at how quickly I fell to calling her that, but neither of us was. How many years had we known each other? And our feelings had been growing that whole time, though it was only recently that I came to understand mine.

Yes. Together with Shizuru was the way my life belonged, as did hers with me. And a life together was... better than anything I had ever known. Mom included.

 _Thank you, Shizuru. I love you._

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
Here we see Natsuki finally figuring out the rest of her feelings toward Shizuru. Yes, they are love, and yes Shizuru is the answer. Both of them find this this the perfect resolution. Here we finally have the confession and kiss everyone's been waiting for. Hopefully you have enjoyed this journey as well as seeing it from Natsuki's side, and found it worth the wait: Natsuki and Shizuru certainly have.

My muse is curious to hear your reactions to what she inspired me to write.


	18. Chapter 18: Together

**Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 18**

 **Together**

* * *

Shizuru and I walked out of the Director's Garden, hand-in-hand. Walking side-by-side was something we'd done for years, but it felt wonderfully good now. And holding hands while we did so made it even better. Shizuru's expression said she felt the same way.

"Did your parents get off OK?" I asked.

Just because we were now a couple didn't mean we gave up enjoying simple conversation as friends. In fact, we might enjoy it more now.

"They did."

That they were OK made both of us happy. Shizuru saw my interest and happily said more.

"We had a good breakfast at the coffee-shop/antique-store by the station before they caught their train. We all enjoyed that time together." She told more of their conversation since I continued to be interested.

Our path took Shizuru and me near the dorms.

"You mind stopping in for a moment?" I asked.

"I don't mind at all." Her grin said she guessed that I wanted to pick up a few things so I could stay at her place tonight.

I grinned back, and we changed our course toward the dorms and Mai's room. It felt good that Shizuru understood that I wanted to spend tonight together. I hoped to still be able to surprise her at times. I had something to try.

.

Mai and Mikoto were out, so we had the room to ourselves. _The better for my surprise for you, Shizuru._

I dug out what I had picked up for her.

Shizuru at first looked confused when I handed her a large, perfect orange.

"It's for you," I told her. "Congratulations on graduation."

Confusion turned to understanding as she remembered watching _Orange Days_ at New Year's. Sae had used those very words when she gave Kai an orange like this as a graduation present at the end of the show. One could say that marked the start of their life together.

Shizuru simply stood there, staring at the orange in her hands, not saying a word, but with an indescribably happy smile on our face. Meanwhile I filled a small bag with what I would need to stay at her place.

Had I rendered the inestimable Fujino Shizuru speechless? _That_ was an accomplishment. But if the way to do so was to give her this much happiness, it was something I wanted to do again and again.

I slung my bag over one shoulder and held out my hand to Shizuru.

She took it.

As we left the dorms together, she narrated: "That year, I discovered a light. I found a single ray of light, amidst the darkness that only continued day by day. That light at times grows dim, but it continues to shine on my heart. She is the light of my life."

She remembered Kai's exact words as he and Sae headed off together after she gave him the orange. But this was no mere quote, Shizuru meant the words equally for herself. And I found they applied to me as well.

 _Thank you, Shizuru. I love you._

ooo OOO ooo

That night was... perfect. My dreams were... the best I've ever had.

I finally, gently woke from one and slowly opened my eyes to find dream and reality were one. There before me lay Shizuru, in my arms, and I in hers. Both of us were finally at peace, and... whole. What words are there for finding that the best dream you've ever had is real as well? I'm sure Shizuru could find some, but I can't.

Shizuru saw I was awake and greeted me: "Good morning, love."

I pulled her into a good-morning kiss, a long, deep kiss. That felt so good. I love her, and kissing her, and she loves me and... Yeah, you get the idea.

We finally came up for air and lay back, just looking at each other, loving that too. I don't know how Shizuru could become more beautiful, but she has.

As I looked into her eyes, her lovely red eyes, a thought crossed my mind. They say the eyes are windows on the soul. Could it be that our very souls are complementary, just as the green of my eyes is the complement of her red? Perhaps. It certainly feels right to think of it this way: only together do either of us feel complete and whole. I realized this was a very Shizuru-like train of thought, but perhaps my being able to think this way now is just another example of how we complete each other. Regardless, it only makes me love her more.

After a while just looking at each other, Shizuru finally spoke. "I'd like to stay like this forever, but perhaps it's time to get up."

True, that. As nice as this was, we couldn't stay in bed forever. "OK. Breakfast together?"

That seemed the perfect answer to Shizuru as well.

ooo OOO ooo

We changed into clothes suitable for the day, no longer needing walls between us to ward off embarrassment or protect privacy. We gladly shared the bedroom, as we would our lives.

Next came the kitchen and making breakfast. Shizuru did the cooking, and I set the table. This seemed our natural division of labor. I set out the teakettle and the frying pan for Shizuru to use while she was looking in the refrigerator. She gave me a kiss for that little gesture, then showed me the eggs she'd gotten out and wordlessly asked if I would like them for breakfast.

"Sure," I responded. "That looks good." I grinned and continued half-teasing her. "And if you put veggies on my plate to go with those, I'll even eat them."

"Thank you, dear." Shizuru's smile said she appreciated the little teasing as well as my willingness to "eat healthy" for her.

I quickly set the table while she got the rest of the food ready. Neither of us missed a chance to give each other a caress, a kiss or a tender word as we passed around each other in the kitchen. I was fast enough that I finished setting the table before she was done cooking the eggs, so I came up and gave her a hug from behind while she stood at the stove. She leaned back into my embrace and rubbed her cheek against mine.

We both enjoyed this so much that Shizuru lost track of time. She apologized to me for that, and for the eggs being a bit overcooked.

 _That's fine Shizuru. You made them, so of course I love the taste... regardless how hard they were cooked._

It seemed that Shizuru didn't mind either, or at least that she thought our snuggling made up for it.

.

We sat down in our spots at the table, facing each other. We'd never actually "assigned" them, but ever since that first breakfast, we have kept to these. It is a comfortable tradition, and it really does feel like this is "my chair" not just where Shizuru has a guest sit. Shizuru would agree.

As we ate, her eyes strayed to the orange I had given her, sitting in the middle of the table. Her expression, and that she kept glancing at the orange told me I had done well in picking that for her. Though yesterday was ...simply wonderful ...for both of us.

"This reminds me of that first breakfast we had here after you arrived that rainy night," Shizuru remarked.

"Yeah, it does." The memory of that night, and all the good that followed—for both of us—flowed through my mind, and sprang forth in a smile on my face.

My mind served up another memory of that first night: Shizuru's plaintive cry in her sleep of "Natsuki, don't leave me."

"Are your nightmares better now?" I asked. I thought they were, but I _really_ wanted Shizuru to never suffer them again.

"My nightmares have not returned at all of late. And the good dreams..." she looked down and continued quietly, "you've made them come true, my love."

Had I done that? Really? If I had... No, Shizuru's low, lovely voice spoke absolute truth. And the thought that I had brought this much joy and peace to her felt indescribably good. It was my turn to buy time by taking a sip of tea. Shizuru had done _so much_ good for me. It is her love and patience that finally taught me to love, and not to fear. At least I had finally learned. It took a lot to get through my thick skull.

"Thanks for waiting for me. I'm sorry I took so long to see."

"That's quite all right. It's been worth the wait."

 _Yeah, it has been. Worth it for both of us._

Other conversation was less deep, but no less enjoyable. Though it was our sharing of thoughts and feelings which made it so good, more than whatever topic we were discussing. We talked on, and on, and on.

Shizuru finally cocked her head at me, wondering if it was time to clean up. "Shall we?" she asked.

"Yeah."

I stacked our dishes so we'd have an easier time carrying them into the kitchen. Shizuru washed them and I dried and put them away. Each dish that passed between us was another chance to express and reaffirm our love. Laugh if you want, this is wonderful. Shizuru thinks so too. Shizuru finished washing the frying pan last; it needed a little extra work. She wiped the sink while I put it away, then we both had the same thought and enveloped each other in a hug.

We wanted to remain in each other's arms, but both of us had other things we had to do: I had a final exam. We reluctantly let go of each other, and I put on my jacket.

Shizuru walked me down the stairs to my bike. I got on and she wished me, " _itterasshai_." I smiled back and answered, " _ittekimasu_." This exchange made both of our smiles grow. It felt good that this normal exchange on leaving home came to us so naturally. It felt right, and I expected we would continue exchanges like this... for the rest of our lives.

.

I felt Shizuru's eyes follow me as I rode off, and I knew her thoughts stayed with me. They would always be with me, and she would always be there for me. For the rest of our lives I need never fear being alone again. I would always be there for her, too. If ever her madness tried to assail her, I would protect her... save her. Yes, we belonged together, each fulfilling a profound need in the other, making both of us complete and no longer broken. For the first time since Mother died, the world was back "the way it should be."

These pleasant thoughts occupied me all the way to school.

You might think that thoughts of Shizuru would have taken up all of my mind that day, but that wasn't the case. I could focus on this test. The knowledge that Shizuru was always there for me—that we were there for each other—lay in the back of mind, quiet, warming, comforting. I didn't need to consciously think of her, rather the quiet presence of that surety meant I need spend neither time nor effort preparing to face the unexpected future. While I was taking this test, she could do that for me while I devoted 100 percent of my mind to answering the questions.

I flew through the test. All the answers came easily; I even finished early and was confident I did well. The peace brought by Shizuru's love helps me, even when she isn't around.

 _Thank you, Shizuru. I love you._

* * *

 **Cultural Note:**  
Shizuru's " _itterasshai_ " and Natsuki's answer of " _ittekimasu_ " are the normal words exchanged between family members when one leaves home. Shizuru is literally telling her to "go and come back," but with the unquestionable implication of "have a safe trip," and that this really is a home to come back to. Natsuki's " _ittekimasu_ " again is literally, "I'm going and will return," with the same implications.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**  
And so we have to the end of **Midwife of the Soul** and thus Natsuki telling her side of getting together with Shizuru. I hope you've enjoyed this other perspective on establishing their relationship.

Thank you for your continued support, sticking with my muse and I, reading this different take on the beginnings of Natsuki and Shizuru's life together, and especially sharing your thoughts with us. We really appreciate this, and it means a great deal to us.

Please continue sharing your thoughts and reactions, now that you've read the whole thing (and possibly seen both sides of the story). I hope that Natsuki's thoughts and feelings work well, seem true to her, and are a good complement to Shizuru's. Please let me know if and how I've succeeded or fallen short.


End file.
